real life

All posts tagged real life

I have to admit, my sex life is pretty damn great at the moment. Not only are My Lady and I having the time of our lives with each other, we’ve been enjoying the opportunity to share this side of our lives with some “like minded” people that we have met recently. It’s been crazy and fun and exciting all at the same time.

But then, sometimes, I just wanna tell real life to go screw itself.

I understand that ML and I are more than just kinky bloggers on the internet – we are people, parents, family members. We have situations that come up that are more important than finding a new way for ML to torture me sexually. I know this, and I accept this… but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

It has been a little while since ML and I have enjoyed some serious play time together. Since we moved, we have been able to take advantage of Grandma’s babysitting services; this allowed us to have some time with no kids in the house (so we could be as loud as we wanted, wink wink) and we also found time to go to a couple of fetish meet-ups in our area (more on that later). It was something that was difficult to set up in the past, thanks to living so far away from our families and the somewhat special needs of our daughter requiring more than your garden variety babysitter. So, as you can imagine, it was a relief to not have to worry about having the kids in the house when, for instance, ML wanted to lock me in the stockade and abuse my ass with the fucking machine.

So, as you can also imagine, it was kind of a letdown when plans fell through to leave the kids at Grandma’s for Thanksgiving weekend. I’ll admit I have an issue with expectations, although I’m much better than I used to be. But when it’s been a while since My Lady and I have had time to play, and we are looking forward to a weekend of the house to ourselves… it’s hard not to feel like I’m being screwed (and not in any of the ways I was hoping for).

It just seems like whenever ML and I want to get some time in for some fun, we never quite get around to it. Our podcast is a great example: we’ve had tons of fun recording our podcast episodes, and we are so happy that they’ve become so popular with our followers. We’ve wanted to do an episode on the fetish meet-up that we went to for weeks now, but various distractions keep popping up (work schedule, kids schedule, appointments, etc.). It’s frustrating, to say the least.

Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot better with this type of thing lately… but I can’t help it when those feelings of “when again?” start to materialize. I know that I can just be patient, that we have plenty of time together – the other day, ML and I were talking about anniversary plans for years ahead, and ML said, “I think, when we hit our 20th anniversary, I’m just going to be totally wet all the time” (how great is that???) – but I don’t want to be patient. I want more of the good stuff. 🙂

So I’ve been craving something “scene-y” for the past couple of days; not really anything crazy or new, but just something intense. Acknowledging the craving is okay, because I know it’s not something I will go without for long. I’m just trying to stop myself from asking that all-too-familiar question of mine: “When?”

As you may or may not have noticed – awww, who am I kidding, just about all of you readers check out our blog hoping to see ML’s tits – I haven’t been posting a lot over the past few weeks. This is mainly because work has been very busy prepping for an important inspection over the last month or so. Although ML has certainly kept me occupied with her incessant teasing, as well as denying me any orgasms for over a month now, I haven’t been able to focus all that much on writing.

The good news is that the inspection has come and gone! Work will still end up being a little busy, but at least I won’t be so freaking stressed out any more. Well… at least not over  work. The stress of going months and months without an orgasm while being teased daily by My Lady will (hopefully) continue.

When I woke up this morning I never expected my day to go so bad. I started my day and as I went along I could feel my chest and throat felt tight. I could breathe but swallowing felt really tight. My chest and ribs also had this sensation of vibrating, jittery and shaking inside. My brain was so foggy I was having trouble thinking and focusing. As the day went on my chest and throat got tighter and the shaking in my chest was really strong. I even texted Mistress Marie to chat about my anxiety and that helped it for a little bit but it didn’t hold out.

My anxiety was in high gear. I’ve been stressed out with packing the house, I was becoming depressed and full of anxiety, worry and fear. Fear that I’ll never get it all packed up and ready to go when the truck is here to be loaded. The anxiety has been hanging around for a couple days now but today it really peaked and feeling my anxiety physically like that pushed me into a full on panic attack. I was having trouble breathing, my hands started shaking, I couldn’t think. I felt numb in that moment. I knew the feeling I was having, the feeling of my throat closing, that super tight chest that really makes you feel like your having a heart attack, so strong that it makes me nauseous. I knew it was a panic attack.
I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t do this alone. So, not too alarm the kids I quietly got up, went to the kitchen to find my anti-anxiety meds and took one. Then I calmly walked down the hallway and woke hubby. The second he looked at me he knew something was wrong. I simply and very quietly asked him “could you please get up early and take care of the kids, I’m having a panic attack. I just took meds and just need to lay down.” Before getting up he just held me as my body shook and I cried in his arms.

Cagedmonkey has been through this with me before – when I didn’t know what they were. I used to have them often. It has been probably 11 years since I’ve had this kind of panic attack. We knew how to get me grounded again and let the meds kick in. I’m so incredibly blessed to have a hubby who loves me even though I’m broken. I’m not without imperfections but he doesn’t even see them and in fact loves me for them. Today I took a healthy step in going to him and asking for help. It’s not something I would have done before, I would have held it in and tried dealing with it on my own. I would have fallen into a deep depression. I love that we have a love and a trust with one another that we can come to each other with this kind of stuff and any kind of stuff.

Today I thank God for an amazing husband who is my hero. Thank you baby for being my strength when I’m weak.