mail chastity

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I was asked this really great question recently so I thought I would take a minute to write here about it. I’m sure some of our readers who are in control would appreciate it. Then again, some of you in the submissive role may like to know this stuff too. 

“…doesn’t it make you feel bad sometimes when you deny your hubby for so so long? Do you ever feel guilty?”

There actually was a time, when we first started this whole chastity and longer term denial thing, that I would describe my feelings as guilt. Now that we are almost 4 years into this there are zero feelings of guilt. There doesn’t need to be any. 4 years ago my hubby asked me to take control of his sexual pleasure. He wanted me to be the one to decide if, when and how he would orgasm. I gladly accepted that role and took control over that pleasure for him. So why would I feel guilty about giving him something he wanted in the first place? That’s something us dominant types can forget sometimes… but when someone completely offers themselves to us we need to not feel guilty about accepting the responsibility.

Cagedmonkey naturally craves and needs to be controlled and I naturally crave and need to be in control. It makes us both feel fulfilled and content in our relationship and in our life. It fits us so well to accept these roles. 

So, in short, no I don’t feel bad or guilty about denying him orgasm or even keeping him locked in that steel cage and even controlling him to the point of when he gets a full erection. I love knowing that he is THAT controlled, down to something even HE can’t control! I love knowing he has a pretty constant reminder of me and the fact that I control him and he sexual organs and pleasure. It’s mine to enjoy, he gave me that. He offered me that gift and it’s one of the best things and shows such deep love and respect and, more importantly, trust. It makes me feel great, not guilty! 

We got some more email questions and I thought I would answer some of them here in case anyone else had any advice for our readers.

subhubphx writes:

I just recently posted on my blog about sometimes not being able to fully satisfy Mistress K. when she needs or wants to be fucked really good, really hard and for a long time.  Being her dutiful, chaste, submissive husband, my urge to cum happens waaaay sooner than Mistress needs for her to get what she needs often enough.  I was hoping to get your advice on how you might handle a similar situation that possibly exists with your sub/slave men.

I appreciate you writing for my advice subhub. It’s actually pretty simple, there really is no way cagedmonkey can give me a good, hard, thorough pounding when denied his own orgasm – which I sometimes crave and need – though, he’s gotten very good with hands, mouth and toys. He’s learned to satisfy me through other methods. However, there are times I need it and that’s where a good strap on and “Adam” come in handy.

It’s very hard for me to enjoy insertables because they are usually cold, hard and not all that forgiving and just don’t follow the contours of a vagina. That was until I found Adam (you should be able to use the search function to find posts re: Adam), which is the most realistic dildo I’ve seen and felt and it’s really just a great toy. It’s soft but firm (but still bends a bit with tightness so you do have to help it get going) and feels really great. It warms up quickly and even more quickly when you warm it before under some hot water.

We’ve just found that the strap on harness is the best way to get that “between the legs, hip thrusting, manly fucking” feeling that us ladies do actually crave sometimes. While cagedmonkey is able to hold off longer the more he practices, he’s still not able to pound the hell out of me when I really need it without the strap on.

I hope this helps answer your question and please write us if you have more! 🙂

We got an email the other day and I’ve been going over and over it in my head and chatting with cagedmonkey about how to respond… Honestly, I don’t know! So I wanted to post it here and give all of our amazing readers a chance to share their opinions and offer their advice. I know this subject often comes up on the Chastity Forums and there are many different stories told and suggestions offered. Please take a moment and comment if you have something to add. 🙂

Frank wrote and asked:

I have been reading your blog for about a year and have really enjoyed it. I’m a fifty something who wishes he’d learned about chastity 30 years ago. Survivor of prostate cancer who had a radical prostectomy and now can not get an erection. Sex life is almost non-existent. Married for 37 years but wife not into BDSM. She is very vanilla. Might get her to tie me up once a year. Any suggestions?

Thanks, Frank, for being a loyal reader! I appreciate your email and I wanted to respond here. This is a pretty common subject. Since I really do not have any magic words or advice as to how to get someone’s partner into BDSM or chastity… I will just tell you that the things that helped me the most were honesty, communication (the why is big for me), non-judgemental listening and most of all… Time!

For me I freaked out at first – which I know there is a post around here about it somewhere – but after months of my own reading and research and lots of communication, without feeling pressured, I was able to see that the chastity part of it all had nothing to do with hubby not wanting me or not wanting sex with me but everything to do with control and tons more sex and sexual energy between us!

So there is my “advice” if you want to call it that. I do hope that some of our readers will share their story about how they got started or brought up the subject with their partners.

I wish you luck and encourage you to continue to be open and honest with your wife.

The other day we were contacted by a gentleman very interested in male chastity. He had lots of great questions and I thought I would take some of them and answer them here! I know he has plenty more and perhaps there will be more Mail Chastity soon with those. Feel free to send us any questions you may have about chastity in general or about us personally. We do love sharing with you all.

BatBoy5 asks:

Do you have a preferred device?

Lady M: As a matter of fact, yes I do. My preference for everyday and long term use is our custom Mature Metal Jail Bird device. If I want to change things up short term we have the Steelworxx Revenge which is a more enclosed steel device. This creates a different sensation for cagedmonkey because it takes away his ability to see his penis as well as some of the feeling that he is able to have in the more open Jail Bird.

Plastic, metal, or silicone?

Lady M: At first I never thought I would like steel so we went with a silicone device CB style device. I never did get to plastic because it just seemed like it would be uncomfortable for cagedmonkey. After seeing what happened with the silicone device it just seemed like a plastic device would break at the pressure of his erection. So as I said we got the silicone and it didn’t even kind of fit. lol Hubby was way too big to fit in those types of devices. He was simply too long and too big around, even, flaccid, to squeeze in. So we ultimately went to steel and I’ll never go back, it’s beautiful, sexy, sleek and much better for the way we do chastity.

Do you build up from short term to long term to “permanent”?

Lady M: I think what you’re asking is did we jump right in to wearing the device all day, every day, right? And, that’s not really possible. You have to start slower with a device, check the fit, make sure there are no issues, and your body needs to get used to having something locked on it lol. There is a learning curve and it does take some building up in the beginning. For us, it only took a few days before hubby was wearing it for hours and full days.

Is there any such thing as permanent chastity?

Lady M: Sure there is, with the right device, fitted properly, a guy could wear one permanently and never have sex or orgasm again. 🙂

Do You find that chastity leads to other areas where you assume control of a boy’s life?

Lady M: I don’t think it has to at all. It certainly can and for us, our FLR/WLM (Female led relationship/Wife Led Marriage) is actually what led to chastity in a way. I’m already in control of everything and hubby asked me to be in control of his sexual pleasure as well. It just worked that way for us.

Do You ever use chastity devices that incorporate piercings or urethral inserts?

Lady M: We do not, I’m not into genital piercings on my own boy (they are very sexy on other people!) or urethral inserts (hubby’s anatomy won’t work with those anyway). I do know plenty of others who do use those types of devices and do actually enjoy Sounding. One of my other boys is actually into that and will play with it on his own.

I hope this helps answer your questions, thank you again for writing and asking. I look forward to hearing from anyone who has any questions. If you’d like to ask cagedmonkey anything in particular just let us know!

A friend of My Lady – who doesn’t happen to know about this blog – was chatting with her about male chastity. How the subject came up without mention of the blog is a mystery, but she asked her a few questions that I thought it might be helpful to answer here. And if ML’s friend happens upon this blog, thanks for the post material!

ML’s friend wants to introduce male chastity into her marriage. She wanted to have an idea of what to expect from certain aspects of chastity. She writes:

Going months without an orgasm – is that healthy?

First, I’m going to be a stickler for terms. There is absolutely no danger for a male to go any amount of time without an orgasm. Ejaculation is a different story: there is some evidence that frequent ejaculation decreases the probability of prostate illness, however there is also evidence that regular ejaculations increase prostate disease. When it comes down to it, nobody really knows. If you are interested in the “better safe than sorry” approach, there are ways to have a male ejaculate without a full orgasm (milking, ruined orgasms, etc.).

What effect does that have on him?

Long story short, it makes him fucking horny as hell. The male body craves orgasm constantly – it goes back to the primal urge to reproduce. The longer he goes without an orgasm, the more he’ll need it. Over time, he will recognize his keyholder (that would be you) as the source of his pleasure, and he will develop a submissive instinct and try to keep you pleased as a result of this. Some people have said that the increase in intensity of this reaction tapers off after a few months. I call BS on that. 🙂 Thanks to ML’s constant teasing, I’m still feeling that need to cum grow and grow every day.

How does a keyholder stay stasified without sex?

There are ways for a man to satisfy his woman other than with his cock! Tongue, fingers… there are many options. The most important thing is to redefine your idea of “sex.” For ML and I, we end up having sex all day long – for us, those hugs and kisses and loving touches are all part of us having sex.

With that said, I understand the desire ML has for a nice hard cock deep in her pussy. When she wants this, we have toys that we can use to satisfy this need. But sometimes, she just needs to feel my flesh. In that case, she unlocks me and uses my cock but doesn’t allow me to cum.

There are plenty of ways for you to get yours without letting him get his. 🙂

Mail Chastity has become a very popular subject on the blog. We’ve gotten lots of questions, either through email or Twitter, and we plan on doing more of these posts in the future. We could always use more questions to answer, though, so don’t hesitate to ask us anything!

We recently received the following comment on one of ML’s posts, specifically her post on breath control. Here is the comment from Dedicatedtoher:

Please explain to me how you can get sexual pleasure from hurting someone you love/ Where is the pleasure , the joy in hurting him? Even if he is a masochist, you have the ability to step back and say: “This I cannot do. I get no pleasure from hurting you” Your sexual thrill from inflicting pain on your husband is something I find difficult to understand. I am happy sadism does not work for my wife and I

Both of us have things we would like to say in response to this. So here is your “He Said, She Said” installment of “Mail Chastity” (or vice versa, whichever tickles your fancy).

Lady M: Thank you so much for your comment and question.  I would like to first point out that I do NOT like to hurt my husband nor do I get pleasure from it. I do love his reaction to some slight pain like pinching nipples, nails on his back or balls or even a spanking. I do believe those are all pretty common ways people create a pain sensation to get a reaction from their partner. As I said, I do not enjoy actually hurting him whatsoever. Since it is the Breath Play post in particular that you are referring to, I want to say that at no time during our play like this do I hurt or intentionally cause him pain. If that were to happen, with a misplaced thumb or something, I stop immediately and adjust. I’m actually terrified of accidentally hurting him and often cut play short sometimes. Breath play is not about pain and has everything to do with the control of his consciousness. That I do love, I love the control I have over him. I love seeing his glossed over eyes as he is slipping off into his dreamy state. That does give me a sexual charge and my crotch is instantly sopping wet and drippy. It really is not painful to experience this but rather relaxing and calm I would imagine.

I hope this helps explain it a bit and as I always say, not everyone will ever enjoy the same things when it comes to most things in life. Although… maybe bacon… everyone, except Cagemonkey, likes bacon! 🙂

Cagedmonkey: First, let me say thank you for the comment. It’s a great question, but I’d like to thank you for being so respectful. Although you may not understand or agree with the things we do, I appreciate your mature attitude towards addressing it. 🙂

I’ll start by saying that there is a big difference between “pain” and “hurt.” When ML pinches my nipples just a teeny bit too hard, that’s pain. When she leans the wrong way and kneels on my ankle or whatever, that hurts. I don’t get any sexual thrill from being hurt. Pain, yes, I find exciting. But there have been instances in the past where ML has accidentally hurt me, and we’ve stopped immediately and addressed the situation (and most likely laughed it off afterwards).

The pain itself isn’t a turn on. What turns me on is the control that is involved. ML can make me feel whatever she wants me to feel; whether that be pleasure, pain, or anywhere in the middle. I love that she can cause these sensations, and I love that I cannot fight them.

With all of that said, the asphyxiation/choking/breath play isn’t as painful as you may think it is. Again, it’s about control: My Lady controls my air supply, and along with that my ability to stay conscious. It’s actually somewhat peaceful, slipping away slowly like that. The worst thing I’d say I experience is fear as I get closer to blacking out, but I trust ML absolutely and completely.

I hope this helps shed some light on why we find this type of play erotic and exciting. It’s definitely not for everyone, but no kink really is. What works for us may not work for you. But what’s important is that it works for us. 🙂

Ok so this was actually a comment on the blog and not really mail but this is a better way to address it. I’m sure there are a few people out there who’d like to know.

pcguy asks:
“One question though.. You’d talked about the possibility of maybe eventually trying a bit of “female chastity” as well.  I saw you had the one brief stint of orgasm denial for Lady M, but do you still consider trying an actual device for any period of time at all?  I’ve always wondered if the female devices are really even that practical…”

As you know cagedmonkey and I do, very rarely, have a bit of the “Switch” in us. I’ll be honest and say it’s a controlled type of switch meaning it’s something, as the dominant one, I’m allowing him to do. I love when we do this because once in a freaking while it’s nice to not HAVE to be in control of every damn thing. The other part of that is that I actually do like to experience “the other side” of things. I like to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of things. It also helps me to know how to be a better Domme! 🙂

The answer to your question pcguy is yes, we do still plan to lock my sexiness up in a female chastity device. We wanted to do it right and not buy some novelty item off Amazon, so we ordered a custom sized locking one. It’s not a true custom device it’s just one that will fit my size, since I’m pretty sure with my huge tits people realize I’m not some nasty pencil thin model chick. It is a black leather device that requires three padlocks to even keep it on and closed. If I could find it right now I would post a pic, but it’s packed somewhere.

So, why haven’t we used it yet? Well first… we need three locks lol and didn’t have them right away, second we ended up moving and third we started to really think about the practicality and logistics of it all. Could I possibly wear it and function – it’s nothing like just having a cage locked on your cock. I mean seriously, every morning after my second cup of coffee who wants to be unlocking 3 padlocks while I’m about to burst?! That and I can literally think myself into an orgasm so the device is really about keeping me from sex… I have to mentally stop my orgasms.

So far it’s been hard to work out how we would actually do it properly. We did come across another device that is slightly different. That device could make these things happen a bit sooner. I will be honest and say that I would never be locked up like my cagedmonkey. Mine would definitely be short term compared to his! I have this fear that if I suppress the horny it might get pushed so far that I lose it again… no one in the world wants Lady to lose her horny!

I hope this answers your question and I thank you for asking. 🙂 please let us know if you have any other questions.

There seems to be one particular subject that is gripping the minds of many of the followers out there.

Melly’shubby writes:

I’m interested in trying to get my wife to squirt. Could you describe how you do it?

Kiwi writes:

Your bride complemented you on your squirting stimulation technique. Do you have any pointers for a newbie?

Ah, yes, the magical squirting pussy. It really is an amazing sight, especially the first time it happens for you. First off, a little technical knowledge:

To all the naysayers out there, I say to you with a loudly tuned bullhorn – female ejaculate is not urine! Believe it or not, there have been serious medical studies performed that prove this. My Lady and I are under the impression that almost every woman has the capacity to squirt, they just need to be open to the idea. ML has mentioned to me that, before squirting became a thing for us, that she would sometimes feel the urge to pee during an orgasm. She would hold it in, because who wants to get pissed on during sex, right? Okay, maybe some people do, but that’s a subject for a whole different post. Turns out that is wasn’t an urge to pee, it was an urge to release her juices.

The two most important things to remember when attempting to “make it rain” as it were, are:

1) relaxation – the woman needs be completely relaxed. She also needs to know that no matter what happens you are going to be cool with it, not turned off or grossed out. It’s a lot like anal sex, now that I think about it.  🙂

2) practice – although it took some trial and error to get there, I can pretty much make ML squirt on command. 🙂 Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work 100% of the time right out of the gate.

Before I explain my technique, I want to make it clear that I am not some all-knowing, squirt master guru. I only know what I know, and I know that this technique works for us. You may find a better way that works for you. If so, go with that. I’m not writing up instructions on how to build an IKEA cabinet here.  🙂

The first time my wife squirted, I was playing with her pussy and for some unexplained reason, I decided to try to go for it make it happen. I was aware of the possibility of squirting and knew the fact that it wasn’t urine but something else entirely – I honestly don’t know what it is, but I don’t care really.  🙂  So, while I was doing it and I could feel her pussy reacting (I will explain the technique I use later, but it involves paying attention to how the woman’s vagina is squeezing), I kept telling her things like “it’s okay, baby” and “just let it go” and “just let it happen.” Basically, I didn’t want her to be shy and pull back, I wanted her to let loose. And she did! I made her squirt twice that time, and we both were amazed at how much she soaked the carpet! Since that first time, we’ve learned some stuff and now it’s very easy for me to make it happen. Often times she will be squirting within seconds of me starting! It’s pretty awesome.

Ok, now for the important stuff – how to make it happen. I find it works best when using 1 finger only, I use my middle finger most often, but any one you are comfortable with would work. You aren’t looking for depth here, you are looking for precision. Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT want to aim for the G-spot; the G-spot is actually too far in. You need to back out just the tiniest bit to hit the correct spot. To visualize the exact location, you are pretty much aiming for where the woman’s clitoris would be if it went straight through into her vagina. Once you are at the proper spot, you want to curl your finger towards yourself (assuming the woman is facing you). This is commonly referred to as the “come hither” motion. I would rather call it the “come hither” position – a small distinction, but very important, as you will see.

Another misconception is that once you find the spot, you should start thrusting or rubbing against the target spot in the vagina. This may work from time to time, but I have found a technique that is much more reliable. Imagine that your middle finger is placed where it needs to be, curled slightly inside the vagina, pressing against the inner front wall. Your palm should be resting pretty much flat against her pussy. The motion you need is to move you hand back and forth at the elbow and forearm, you should hold your wrist in its position. To get the motion right, try to focus on rubbing her clit with the heel of your palm while your finger stays in the right spot inside her.

After a while, you will be able to feel the walls of your woman’s vagina start squeezing you finger. She may also be moaning quite a bit by now.  🙂  When you start to feel the squeezing, you need to add the slightest bit of upward motion to your hand movement. Press just a little harder on her pussy when you are moving back and less when you move forward, almost moving your hand in a slight oval. You will feel your wife’s pussy begin to contract even more, it may even feel as if the walls are pushing against your finger in waves. This is good. When you feel this, keep the hand motion up, but use your finger to massage the walls that are squeezing against you (you will most likely have to move upwards a little more, to where the G-spot actually is). Keep pushing as the walls push back. Soon (hopefully), you’ll feel a warm, wet liquid flow over your palm. Success!  🙂

My Lady and I have found that she tends to squirt more when she can use the muscles in her thighs to push. For example, it is easier to make her squirt when she is standing up or squatting (over my face, usually), than when she is lying down. However, she has been learning how to squeeze just the right way while laying down to get a nice spray going; the distance she squirts often surprises me! Also, make sure you prepare for “the worst” when trying this out – double layer some towels underneath her. My Lady has soaked the couch/carpet/mattress many times because we thought that one towel would be enough! Just something to think about.

Hopefully this technique will work for you, and pretty soon the comments section will be filled with stories from readers who have soaked themselves silly with pussy juices. Just don’t come after me looking to take care of your laundry bill!

Good luck!

It’s amazing the effect that chastity has had on me in a little over four months of time. I’ve undergone some very interesting changes, both mentally and physically. Some are both obvious and expected (I’m horny all the time, DUHHH), but others are somewhat surprising. And I know I’m not the only one experiencing these changes, because I get emails from some of you guys out there asking me about the same things. 🙂

One reader asks:

“I’ve noticed that immediately after taking the cage off, I’m as hard as a rock but I have trouble maintaining a strong erection. I don’t lose it all together, but it’s definitely not as intense. I’ve never had this problem before trying chastity. Have you experienced anything similar?”

Don’t do what I did and start panicking and figuring out how to pay for your Cialis perscriptions; this is a pretty common issue.  The first few times My Lady unlocked me after I was already getting hard, we had to wait until I got soft to remove the base ring. After the ring removal, it took a while to regain my erection. I think this happens because it takes a little bit of reset time to go from “SO FUCKING HARD I COULD FUCK A HOLE THROUGH A BRICK WALL” to “totally soft and chillin'” and back to hard again. Now, ML will either remove the cage when I’m still somewhat soft or will just leave the ring on if I’m already aroused. Problem solved.

Another reader has a question for the mail bag, or perhaps mail “sack” is more fitting:

“The skin around my balls looks really loose and hangs kinda weird now. It sort of dangles a bit.”

Ah, yes. This has happened to me, too. My scrotum seems as if it has been stretched out since I started wearing a chastity device. I even have what looks like a little tab that hangs down between both of my nuts. I’m assuming this is from my ballskin being stretched out when my cock tries to get hard and pushes the cage forward from my body and the balls stop it from advancing any further. When my erection is strong enough, it pulls on the skin with a good amount of strength. This used to hurt me a ton, but I guess I’ve gotten used to it because it’s not that bad anymore. Solution? I have no idea. Even a perfectly fitted cock cage is going to be pushed forward by a hardening cock. And, honestly, I don’t think this even requires a solution. Yeah, your sack looks a little funky, but it looked funky to begin with, didn’t it?

Last one:

“When my wife takes the cage off, my cock is extremely sensitive all over, even in places that weren’t like that before. Is this ok?”

No. This is more than okay! This is GREAT! This is what it’s about, right? What’s most likely happening here is that your cock is responding to the constant pressure of the cage on your sensitive areas, resulting in a stronger reaction when that pressure changes. It’s like when you put your hand from ice cold water into room temperature water – it feels scalding hot, even though it’s far from it. You’re feeling these AMAZING sensations because they are so different from what you are used to. This is a good thing. Just make sure that the hypersensitivity is not due to any skin damage or irritation, and you are good to go.

Don’t be shy or embarassed, keep these email questions coming! (Bad choice of words, perhaps)

Time again for another round of “Mail Chastity” where we tackle the topics that are on your mind. As always, these are real questions from real readers. Feel free to email us with any questions you may have; your question just may be featured in our next Mail Chastity post!

Click on the contact page in the top left corner for email info, or simply just to see a great pic of My Lady’s beautiful breasts perfectly framing the key to my chastity cage.  😉

Q: Are there any medical concerns involved with being locked up so frequently?

Hmmmm….. good question. There are some medical issues that should be addressed when considering long term and/or frequent wearing of a chastity device. Most of these issues are not very severe if tended to.

The most common occurrence would be skin irritation where the cage sits, either around the scrotum or on the shaft of the penis. This can be avoided by using a properly fitting cage and proper lubrication to allow movement of the cage while walking. Skin irritation, if left unchecked, can lead to blisters and skin ulcers which risk being infected. You don’t want that.

Another common condition that is often seen with open-style devices (Birdcage/Jailbird/etc.) is edema, or localized swelling due to fluid buildup. This happens when the penile tissue expands into the open spaces of the cage. This isn’t the “hardon bulge” I’m talking about… that is completely normal, especially when your keyholder is deliberately turning you into a sex-crazed lunatic. Edema occurs when your erection goes away, but the swelling and fluid remain. This can be fixed by rubbing and massaging the area to promote circulation… just be careful not to enjoy it TOO much and piss off your keyholder! Edema, when not dealt with in time, can cause tissue damage and possible erectile dysfunction if it becomes serious enough.

The issues I have described in the linked posts were not related directly to wearing the chastity device. There were… ahem… other factors involved.

Q: How does chastity effect the day-to-day basis of your life?

To be honest, not all that much. The main difference is that I get crazy horny as time goes on. Duh. Other than that, the cage doesn’t get in the way much. I can play with my children without incident – I try to avoid having them sit on my lap, but they are old enough now where that’s not a big worry. Work is not a problem, even though my job requires frequent walks around the room, as well as sitting and standing. Other than the fact that I’m goddamn-motherfucking-all-batshit-flames-of-hell horny all the time, my life proceeds pretty much in a normal fashion.

Q: How do you decide what to post? Is it a joint effort?

My Lady does most of the posting on the blog, for two reasons. First, she is a major control freak… which she will freely admit, hence the FLR lifestyle. Second, she usually has the most time to post, given that she is a stay-at-home mom with a Galaxy Note 2 surgically attached to her hand. However, we both collaborate on what themes and ideas to post about. Very often, we will be discussing a particular aspect of our lifestyle, and either of us will say, “We should totally write a blog post about this.” She usually just beats me to the punch. We do really enjoy doing the “He Said, She Said” and “Conversations” posts… they are lots of fun, and they give our readers great insight on the types of conversations we have and that we consider necessary in order make this lifestyle run smoothly.