long term denial

All posts tagged long term denial

On a recent post, Collaredmichael commented the following:

Do you find the perverse desire not to [cum] -in order to continue your streak of days without? It is something I seem to be experiencing – I want to cum but I don’t want to cum.

Short answer: I used to get this feeling, but not so much anymore.

I think, at one time, I felt the desire to keep pushing my denial farther and farther. Thinking about it now, it wasn’t so much of a desire to keep pushing it for a deeper intensity; it was more of an attempt to keep the sexual connection between ML and me. Since things have gotten much more healthier between ML and me in a sexual sense, I feel no desire to force it along anymore.

That’s not to say the feeling went away completely after things got better between us. When we attempted the full year of orgasm denial, of course I wanted to keep going without cumming. But that was the point of the exercise: just how long can we go? I think ML and I found out the answer to that.

At this point, I want my orgasms to be fully controlled by ML. That means not trying to “help my denial along” by resisting an orgasm and pushing my denial further; I’m in a state of mind now where I really do want to cum, but whether I do or not depends on what she wants. It wasn’t easy for me to get to this place mentally, but the work (and play) that My Lady and I have done has helped us get here.

I bet you expected to see this post from Cagedmonkey, huh? Well, too bad, it’s from me. We are just about at the tenth month of this year long orgasm denial which, in itself, is pretty amazing. I’m pretty proud of myself for getting this far through this. So toward the end of last year, when we talked about this whole year long denial we always said if I wanted to stop for any reason we would. If it ever wasn’t fun anymore, or we weren’t enjoying it, we would stop. There is no way I would take something like that lightly or just decide on a whim that I was done.

For about the last month I’ve had off and on feelings about this whole year of denial thing. I’ve thought a lot about if I want to continue. It’s taken me about a month to finally get to a point where I knew I needed to actually make a decision. I noticed, recently, that when I thought about the denial, I’d almost start feeling down about it. Even more recently, thinking about sex was making me feel horny and, yes, excited but also I felt down… I’d start to feel blah and almost not want to have sex. Not that I didn’t want to but that feeling was there. I had to ask myself, why? Well, that why is because sex, for me, was not feeling satisfying. I wasn’t feeling fulfilled after. Yes, I get to cum and get pleased like crazy all the time but for some reason not seeing and feeling CM satisfied (especially inside me) is not giving me what I need. There is some part of our intimacy missing and it’s that moment when we are both in an intensely sexy moment, feeling that amazing feeling that I’m missing. In a way I feel sort of let down and maybe kind of lacking because I’m not getting his satisfaction. It’s so weird, I know, but that’s how it is.

I guess it’s difficult to explain how hard it is to keep someone denied for so long when you’re sexual with them on a daily basis. Sex, for me right now, just feels incomplete. I feel like I’m left hanging and really I am not one who enjoys denial or frustration. As much as I love denying him and frustrating him, I do still love seeing his satisfaction. It makes me feel good and like I’m doing something right. Like I said, it’s weird and hard to explain but it’s just what it is.

Someone asked earlier today, when I was telling them about all this, what is so important about the 12 months? What made us decide to do it? Honestly, there isn’t anything all that important about it. It was just something to try after trying so many other things lol. We really just wanted to see if we could do it, I guess. Other than I know I could do it, the past 10 months has helped me see that I actually do need to see and feel CM satisfied, at least once in a while! 

So, give it a couple days and then feel free to ask CM how it feels to cum after being teased and denied his orgasm for about ten months! Haha 🙂 I guess he’ll know, at some point, I’m going to tell him to cum after he reads this! 

I know it’s kinda crazy to be looking as far ahead as next year… but, honestly, can you really blame me? With as long as I’ve been waiting for an orgasm? But – and this might be even crazier – it’s not my orgasm that I’m focusing on. I’m assuming (guessing, lol) that it won’t be too far into next year before I get to cum. It’s the “after that” that’s on my mind.

For much of the past 3 years, ML and I have been working towards various things. At first, it was building up my comfort with the chastity cage so that I could spend longer time locked up for My Lady. Once I was able to go about three weeks without any problems, it showed that ML could keep me locked indefinitely if she chose to. And after suffering through over 6 months of denial, it’s pretty clear that ML can deny me for as long as it pleases her to do so.

ML and I have worked very hard to get to the point where she was fully in control of my sexuality and not held back by any physical limits. Now that we’ve gotten to that point, what’s next for us?

After ML allows me my next orgasm (if? Dear Lord, I hope it’s not if!), I expect us to move to a simpler arrangement – no scheduling, no “shooting for” chastity/denial sessions… even no Maybe Days. If ML wants me locked, I stay locked until she wants my cock free. If she wants to deny me, I don’t get to cum until she lets me. It could be days, weeks, months, etc. for either chastity or orgasm denial.

Since “whatever ML chooses” isn’t really a goal (it’s more just fun, which is much more awesomer), ML and I decided on some other things to work toward. We each had a list, and – not surprisingly – they were very similar. One thing that we both agree on is that we want to try some more bondage exploration. ML really wants to learn how to tie me up good and tight, and I really want her to. We’ve also received some bondage toys recently (and purchased some, too… we aren’t total freeloaders, lol), which we will be reviewing soon.

Even though (in my “desperate-to-cum” state) I’m looking ahead to next year already, I’m sure we’ll start exploring our new goals sooner than that. The question will be whether or not I can handle the intense domination that is sure to come… or if it really matters to My Lady at all. 🙂

So the past couple of weeks haven’t been all that easy. Getting acclimated to living in someone else’s house hasn’t exactly been “smooth.” It’s difficult for me to relax and feel comfortable when I’m not in my own environment. Sex aside, it’s been a difficult transition. It will be better in a couple of weeks when we finally get our apartment.

Focusing on the sex – despite the situation, ML has found ways to keep me sexually frustrated. Whether it’s waking me up with a teasing handjob or having me fuck her with my caged cock until she cums all over me, her teasing has been very effective. And, unlike the apartment situation, it’s only going to get worse as time goes by.

It’s getting close to five months into the year and still no orgasms for me; ML is still determined to have me go cum-less for 2016. I’m not even halfway through the year and I’m already dying for an orgasm. My balls are almost constantly sore and feeling very full. At this point, I really need a good draining – whether or not I get an orgasm with it kinda doesn’t matter. I mean, obviously it does… obviously I’d love a nice hard intense orgasm right about now. After 142 days, who wouldn’t?

ML and I have asked each other that at least three times already today, as we think about what this New year holds for us. We are expecting so much change in the next twelve months (we’ll be moving into a new house, as well as adding some exciting new features to our blog), but many things will stay the same (we will both continue to be horny fuckers who can’t keep our hands off each other).

And, oh yeah, that other important thing… My Lady is going to deny me orgasms for the entire year.

ML and I have been taking the last week to enjoy just being free from worrying about an accidental cum, having some good hot sex and throwing in some romantic love making just for the hell of it. 🙂 I’ve had more orgasms in the past week than I’ve had over the past few months – which doesn’t say a lot, considering I was denied since the end of October. But in the back of our minds the whole time was that one thought – “Are we really insane for trying this?”

It hasn’t really hit either of us yet that my orgasm last night was the last one I’m going to have for a VERY long time. ML doesn’t have to worry about that, she’ll be cumming whenever she wants, with my help or without it. But she does have to deal with the fact that I won’t be cumming, since she does actually like it. I, on the other hand, am going to be suffering through it. The only question is how long will it take me to truly want this to end.

Ok, maybe there is one more question.

Are we crazy?

Looking ahead to the looming start of my next period of orgasm denial – longer than I have ever been denied, longer than I ever thought I would be – has got me thinking about a few things. I’ve been thinking about the difference between what I want vs. what I need, as well as what it means to truly submit to My Lady.

Many of our readers out there (and ML, as well!) would agree that it is not easy being ML’s sub: it is not easy to be locked in chastity, it is not easy to be teased so intensely, and it is not easy to be held in strict orgasm denial throughout it all. She is a special and unique keyholder, and it takes a special and unique level of commitment and determination to endure her treatment. I’ve been questioning my level of commitment to submitting to ML lately, mainly because of certain aspects of our initial chastity agreement.

Way back when we started living this chastity lifestyle (over… 2 years ago? Holy shit, it was over two years ago!), we crafted a chastity agreement that allowed us both to have input on how our FLR would take shape. The spirit of that agreement guides every aspect of our D/s dynamic, even if we don’t follow each and every clause to the letter (for example, it’s been a long time since we’ve written in our communication book, only because we’ve grown to be so comfortable communicating with each other directly). One of the clauses that ML has been very gracious to uphold has been the use of the “Maybe Day.”

To explain the Maybe Day clause quick and simple: ML gives me a date when she plans to let me cum next, and will let me know if she decides to push me significantly past that date. She can choose whatever date she wishes, and can choose to extend it for any reason, but she is required to let me know when it will be or how much longer I will have to wait.

Looking back on it, I wanted to put that clause in our agreement because of my trust issues. When things were difficult between ML and me, there was never any telling when our next sexual encounter would be. I was scared that ML’s interest might fade once again if there was no date to hold her accountable. I needed even just a small guarantee that I wasn’t going to be left and forgotten about. I wasn’t ready for such an open-ended situation.

I think I’m ready for that now.

Over the past two years, I can’t remember too many nights where ML and I weren’t sexual in some way with each other. I even recently posted about how just a knowing glance across the room can be our way of “having sex.” The level of passion is certainly there, and it’s stronger than it’s ever been. I don’t think I need to be worried that ML will lose sexual interest in me anymore. I probably have to be more worried about ML driving me insane with TOO MUCH sexual attention!

With My Lady’s agreement, I would like to do away with the concept of Maybe Day for good. I realize that this opens me up for denial periods longer than I’d ever expect with absolutely no warning whatever, but I am ready to submit to her that deeply.

(This post is the first that ML will be hearing of these thoughts, so I am very curious to see what her reaction is. Wish me luck!)


So, ML’s post let the cat out of the bag and it has now turned into the elephant in the room – I won’t be having an orgasm in 2016. Honestly, that sounds a hell of a lot worse than “I won’t have an orgasm for a year,” and I’m not quite sure why that is. Maybe because it’s so definite, so final… and it also says nothing of when my next orgasm will be…. Ok, I’m going to stop right there before I start putting more ideas into My Lady’s head. 🙂

Now that this is going to be a reality, I can’t help but think back to how we got this far. I can vividly remember one of the first few conversations ML and I had about our goals for chastity and orgasm denial. My goal was to eventually be made to go a year with an orgasm; ML wasn’t so ambitious. When I asked her if it would ever be a possibility, first she answered, “I don’t know.” Then, following a good pestering from me, she said, “Probably not.”

I’ll admit, I was a little disappointed. I wondered what it would be like to be that desperate, so needy after a year of no orgasms, and what it would feel like to finally have one. But I also understood where she was coming from. We hadn’t even started practicing yet, we were still working out the details (so to speak). Looking at an entire year of denial wasn’t just putting the cart before the horse, it was filling up the cart before even buying a horse. I was just happy that we were communicating honestly and openly, and we were willing to try this together.

I never expected ML to get as far as even considering a year denial for me. It was always one of those “what if” fantasies, but it grew less and less important as our sex life got more and more amazing. Little did I know that My Lady was building up her tolerance for denying me.

Now it seems like my fantasy will come true. And, to be honest, it’s not a “be careful what you wish for” situation – I’m very excited to try this! I know there will be times where I hate it and I want it to end, but I love being sexually controlled by My Lady. Also, being insanely horny, almost constantly turned on, and desperate to cum pretty much all day every day is an AMAZING experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Although, nine months from now, I might feel differently about that and be willing to trade it for a nice good hard orgasm. 🙂

It’s amazing to think how far we’ve come. I remember starting out with male chastity and being so turned on by it I could barely keep him locked for days at a time. Let alone weeks or months like we do now. I wasn’t able, back then, to even deny him that long because I just NEEDED it. I needed to feel him inside me filling me up, exploding his warmth deep into me. I really love it. I love that feeling of his cock throbbing and pulsing with each spurt of his cum.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s any easier or I’m not turned on by keeping my husband in a chastity device and controlling his orgasms. It’s just as bad and I need him just as much. The difference is I think we both enjoy the thrill much more now that comes from the longer term denial. The intense horny feelings inside that grow and grow and never seem to stop growing. I think we both enjoy the sexual pull between us, that constant want and desire to be with each other, to do for one another, to please the other.

Yesterday I was chatting with someone who told me they were basically climbing out of their skin by the time they were locked 3 or 4 days. It got me thinking… How long had it been now for cagedmonkey? I counted the days, 80. It’s been 80 horny, frustrating, intensely sexual days and I’d barely noticed the actual time involved. I’d only known that it’d been awhile and fuck I’ve been frustrated but, yeah, it’s been 80… Well over 80 now… days since I’ve allowed my husband to have an orgasm.

I will say that some part of me is not happy with this arrangement lol I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday about how I didn’t want to do this anymore. But it was short lived after having a good chat with cagedmonkey. He did express that he wanted to cum so bad that if I was looking for support in not letting him that he wasn’t able to give it. He would only be able to encourage me to let him cum. LoL He’s so cute when he’s this horny.

I guess when he starts to get comfortable with his horny level and I’m not seeing the frustration, it feels like I’m not good enough at my job. My job is to tease and frustrate the living hell out of him, to make him so horny he’s asking and begging to cum. During these longer term lock ups every so often we get to these plateaus and that’s when we need some intense tease our domination session to kick that horny in the ass and ramp it up a bit more.

I need know what I’m doing is working. I need to know what I’m doing is worth it. I need to know I’m worth it.

I am in a bad bad way super mega crazy horny. Like dripping wet quivering pussy horny. Like attacking cagedmonkey very aggressively any chance I get horny. Like I want to rip off his clothes and cage and throw him down on the bed and fuck him silly horny. (Yes, I know there should be commas in there somewhere but who cares! lol)

Seriously, I’m really horny again and I’m having a really hard time resisting using my key. I know what you’re thinking, I’m the keyholder and I’m in charge, why don’t I just unlock him and use my toy to pleasure myself? Well, honestly, I really do want to try to keep him locked, without erection through the end of September like I planned. I really don’t want to ruin the time he’s been in his Jail Bird already or lose the incredible amount of frustration I have already built up in him.

So to keep this keyholder from doing something she really doesn’t want to do, I had to put my key away in a little box. I am very blessed that I have such a good subby hubby who knows my goal and is willing to help me get past this crazy horny bit. I will say that I am at a point that it is not him or his begging or his whimpering that is making it hard for me… it’s my own self, my need to have him, my desire to feel HIM between my legs. Not a strap on harness, not a fake cock filling up my pussy, that’s not what I want. It isn’t about needing to be fucked because that’s easy enough with the strap on. It’s about feeling the man I love between my legs, looking into his beautiful blue eyes and feeling that connection with him. I want to feel that closeness, that tender, romantic love… without the cold hard steel against my leg.

Ok I need to stop because I’m getting myself kinda crazy again writing this. Anyway, for now, my key is put away and not hanging on a necklace around my neck. It’ll have to stay there until I’ve gotten past these feelings.