feelings

All posts tagged feelings

I was asked this really great question recently so I thought I would take a minute to write here about it. I’m sure some of our readers who are in control would appreciate it. Then again, some of you in the submissive role may like to know this stuff too. 

“…doesn’t it make you feel bad sometimes when you deny your hubby for so so long? Do you ever feel guilty?”

There actually was a time, when we first started this whole chastity and longer term denial thing, that I would describe my feelings as guilt. Now that we are almost 4 years into this there are zero feelings of guilt. There doesn’t need to be any. 4 years ago my hubby asked me to take control of his sexual pleasure. He wanted me to be the one to decide if, when and how he would orgasm. I gladly accepted that role and took control over that pleasure for him. So why would I feel guilty about giving him something he wanted in the first place? That’s something us dominant types can forget sometimes… but when someone completely offers themselves to us we need to not feel guilty about accepting the responsibility.

Cagedmonkey naturally craves and needs to be controlled and I naturally crave and need to be in control. It makes us both feel fulfilled and content in our relationship and in our life. It fits us so well to accept these roles. 

So, in short, no I don’t feel bad or guilty about denying him orgasm or even keeping him locked in that steel cage and even controlling him to the point of when he gets a full erection. I love knowing that he is THAT controlled, down to something even HE can’t control! I love knowing he has a pretty constant reminder of me and the fact that I control him and he sexual organs and pleasure. It’s mine to enjoy, he gave me that. He offered me that gift and it’s one of the best things and shows such deep love and respect and, more importantly, trust. It makes me feel great, not guilty! 

Cagedmonkey and I don’t normally talk about the specifics when we bring up how important communication is in a relationship. I just wanted to describe one thing that he and I both say often because we remember what it felt like, up until 2 years ago (this month), when we fixed this whole union.

We often say things like “I’m so glad I can say (sexual) things like that to you now” or “I’m so happy we can show each other how horny we are for each other now” or “I’m so grateful we went through all that to be where we are now.” It’s not bringing up the past, it’s not resentment, it’s quite simply appreciation for the mess that our relationship was and the work we went through for the past two years – and will continue to go through – to clean up the mess, the fear, the anger and the resentments.

It’s almost liberating and makes us feel so good to say “thank God we went through that” so we know it is a place neither of us wants to be again. Sometimes old feelings come up, past behaviors or situations and each of us has gotten anxious at one time or another. The difference now is, right away, we speak up and take care of the worry. We both love where our intimacy is, we love loving each other and we aren’t taking that for granted anymore!

Communication truly is an amazing thing! If I can offer one bit of advice to anyone it would be to be honest with your spouse about your feelings, wants and desires. Even if you don’t understand them or why you are feeling them. Just get them out there because NO one knows what you’re feeling or how to support you if you don’t tell them.

A few nights ago, My Lady and I were laying on the couch together, and things started to get sexual… as they very often do nowadays. 🙂 We began kissing and touching each other; things started to get really hot, really quick. I rolled over on top of ML and began thrusting my hips towards her as I kissed her deeply. All of a sudden, both of us felt it at the same time: we flipped the “power switch.” All of a sudden, I felt very dominant and powerful over ML.

When I get dominant, I tend to talk dirty a lot. I rubbed up on her, and I started asking her if she wanted to get fucked. If she missed taking my hard cock deep inside her slutty wet pussy. ML was getting turned on, too, pushing back up against me as I pushed my hips down against her. I pounded my hips down on her, doing everything I would be doing if I was fucking her pussy as hard as I could… except for the fact that my cock was still locked in its steel cage, of course.

Afterwards, I started to get a little down. All of the simulating of the dominant, forceful sex kinda made me miss it a bit. I realized that I really do miss my cock. I miss being able to fuck My Lady hard and deep. I miss the way ML’s warm pussy feels when it’s squeezing my cock. I miss being able to fuck ML more than three thrusts at a time. Hell, right now I just miss my cock getting hard!!!

I didn’t expect these feelings to show up so strong and so soon into the 24/7 month. I’ve gone 24/7 longer than this, but not with the pretense that I would be waiting an entire month for my next full erection. It’s really getting to me this time around. I’m not really having second thoughts about all of this – chastity is still the most amazing thing that has happened to our sex life, and I wouldn’t change it a bit. But still, I can’t deny that right now a decent part of me truly feels like a prisoner locked away against his will. This is when chastity truly becomes “enforced chastity.”

This isn’t necessarily archives because it’s from last night but it’s awesome! Cagedmonkey and I have a notebook that we use for communication and writing down our play and feelings about it. Yes we talk to each other but we also write in our book. 🙂

Last night cagedmonkey and I had a few drinks (well he had more than a few hehe). I ended up taking a snooze for a bit on the couch when I had a little upset tummy. Wine + chips & dip in my belly didn’t go too well.

Anyway, we had a fantastic night together anyway but that truly deserves it’s own post haha. This morning I woke up to a new entry in our book and it was so awesome I just had to share with you all!
image

4/12/14

I got a new pen! I didn’t realize it was so dark, though, so I’ll have to write a little more carefully.

I’m drunk and you’re sleeping on the couch (hehe). So instead of waking you up with random shit, I’m writing it down. How considerate of me, yes?

So my random stuff:
1. I love you!
2. FUCK I’M HORNY.
3. I just spent some time talking to you about taking control of you, making you my slut, etc. I think I miss that. A LOT. I miss FUCKING you, like a powerful man. I would hope that in June (or whenever you decide to let me cum, this year, next year, whatever), you give me me an opportunity to taste that again.
4. What the? Am I secretly hoping that you push my denial past June? WAY further past? WTF? I want to cum so bad, but part of me wants to hear that I won’t cum again this year. I will be SOOOO happy with whatever you choose, as long as it’s what you want.
5. My lips are numb. 🙂
6. Your pussy tastes HOLY SHIT FUCKING BEST THING IN THIS UNIVERSE AMAZING.
7. I really do love you. Like fucking out of this world live you. FOR REALZ YO!

Ok, I’ll be done for now. I’ve got more drinking to do. You might hear from me later. Hopefully you can read my handwriting with this pen, and I make you smile. <3<3<3

As far as fetishes and kinks go, male chastity can be very diverse. Many things can be added to or augmented to chastity; no two experiences will be exactly the same. What I’ve found is that chastity has opened up many different areas of kink to My Lady and me. There are things we thought we’d never try that we found were a huge turn on for both of us.

Last night at work, ML and I were having one of our “remember when” discussions about  the time she fulfilled my rape fantasy. I was amazed at how incredible the experience was, and how much I enjoyed it… after the fact, of course! As we were talking, we began to brainstorm about how to take it to the next step. As we were considering a lengthier scene, ML writes me the following text:

“Not too tough with enough time to spread it out. Like being kidnapped, kept, and repeatedly raped, hehe.”

My jaw literally dropped.

And my cage immediately got tighter.

What a GREAT IDEA!!!!!

We spent the next two hours, tossing around ideas for how to draw it out, including but not limited to: sending the kids to a multi-day camp, so she could abuse me over the course of days; cuffing me in various positions in various places around the house; blindfolding me, and using a variety of toys on me without warning; fucking my ass with the strap on, or toys of her choosing as I lick her pussy; leaving me restrained while she goes to rest, returning later to continue her assault; riding my cock while shoving a dildo up my ass; keeping the tease up while the kids are home, sneaking into the kitchen when I’m alone and roughly fingering my ass, giving me no place to hide; and so on.

Needless to say, my cock was trying its best to get hard. In vain, of course, pushing against the walls of the Revenge. But DAMN, was it hot. It was turning us both on! I have a feeling this will happen sometime in the future. 

It really is amazing that My Lady and I can discuss these dark desires with each other, without worrying about how the other will react. We made a promise to each other when we started this to be honest and open about any fantasies we have, no matter how out there they may seem. How else would we know if we liked something or not without trying it first?

I know all you guys out there always say that I’m the luckiest guy in the world, and I really am…. but not for the reasons you think. It’s not because My Lady locks up my cock for weeks on end, denying me orgasm until I’m insane with need, teasing me mad until I’m about to explode. It’s because I have a partner who loves me, respects me, and cares for me enough to allow me to trust her with anything and everything that is inside me without fear. And she has the same thing in me. THAT is why I’m so lucky.

Ok, I won’t deny it… I’m pretty lucky for those other reasons, too. 🙂

My Lady and I were texting each other last night while I was at work, and the conversation wandered to the topic of sensory deprivation. You see, ML has been doing some research in that area, specifically sensory deprivation hoods. And when ML starts doing research, you know that she’s getting serious about it.

She began to text me some of the ideas that have been popping up in her head, and I couldn’t help but get turned on (which made my cock strain against the cage rather strongly). Here are just a few examples of the texts she sent me:

  • “like putting your hands in mittens behind your back, making you kneel on the floor hooded”
  • “I could open only the gag and make you choke on my dildo”
  • “I could take off the blindfold with my pussy right in your face while I cum”
  • “Put a dildo in your ass and make you sit on it while I fuck your mouth with mine”
  • “So if I told you I could put the hood on and use the face dildo as the gag piece instead and fuck your sensory deprived face, how would that make you feel?”

How would it make me feel?

Those sound like horrible, terrible things to have to endure. I don’t know if I could take it.

How would it make me feel?

I need to experience this.

That’s how it makes me feel. I can imagine myself in the moment, wanting it to end so badly, wondering why and how I got myself into this, suffering in pain and frustration. Yet it’s undeniable – I want it to happen. When I read those texts – and even now as I retype them – I get a tightness in my chest that says to me, “Oh. My. God. I NEED THIS.”

It’s scary and confusing to have these types of feelings – to want something you don’t want to happen happen, so badly. But honestly, that’s pretty much what chastity is. I’m sitting here with my cock locked in a steel cage with no way to get out on my own, and I desperately want to cum. But I want to be like this – desperate for release, yet powerless to facilitate that release, completely dependent on My Lady for any and all sources of sexual pleasure. I trust My Lady with my life; I know she will protect me and keep me safe, even when she is putting me through hell just because she can and she wants to. It speaks to my devotion to her how badly I want this to happen, even though I don’t want this to happen.

Now I’m left wondering just when she plans on putting these things in motion…