dominant

All posts tagged dominant

I was asked this really great question recently so I thought I would take a minute to write here about it. I’m sure some of our readers who are in control would appreciate it. Then again, some of you in the submissive role may like to know this stuff too. 

“…doesn’t it make you feel bad sometimes when you deny your hubby for so so long? Do you ever feel guilty?”

There actually was a time, when we first started this whole chastity and longer term denial thing, that I would describe my feelings as guilt. Now that we are almost 4 years into this there are zero feelings of guilt. There doesn’t need to be any. 4 years ago my hubby asked me to take control of his sexual pleasure. He wanted me to be the one to decide if, when and how he would orgasm. I gladly accepted that role and took control over that pleasure for him. So why would I feel guilty about giving him something he wanted in the first place? That’s something us dominant types can forget sometimes… but when someone completely offers themselves to us we need to not feel guilty about accepting the responsibility.

Cagedmonkey naturally craves and needs to be controlled and I naturally crave and need to be in control. It makes us both feel fulfilled and content in our relationship and in our life. It fits us so well to accept these roles. 

So, in short, no I don’t feel bad or guilty about denying him orgasm or even keeping him locked in that steel cage and even controlling him to the point of when he gets a full erection. I love knowing that he is THAT controlled, down to something even HE can’t control! I love knowing he has a pretty constant reminder of me and the fact that I control him and he sexual organs and pleasure. It’s mine to enjoy, he gave me that. He offered me that gift and it’s one of the best things and shows such deep love and respect and, more importantly, trust. It makes me feel great, not guilty! 

I talk with a lot of submissive guys and girls, and they contact to me for a variety of reasons. I enjoy each and every one of them, but if I’m being completely honest, some of the submissives I talk with could easily be tagged with the description “strong-willed.” I know these subs can be difficult to Dom/me at times. I secretly enjoy, just a little bit, the determination these subs have. Yes, they can be stubborn and difficult, and they will state their cases whenever they can, but they certainly have passion. Strong-willed submissives can be exhausting, that’s for sure. But they also tend to grow into very obedient people with the right direction. When they learn to channel that determination, they take healthy risks — they learn to work through failure and keep trying. There’s a lot to love about strong willed submissives, us Dominants just need to learn how to survive them.

I thought I would take a few minutes to talk about some things that may be helpful for a Dom/me when they find they have themselves a strong-willed submissive!

Strong-willed subs are known for their power struggles. If they find an opening, they pounce. Routines and rules provide a great foundation (they take some of the guesswork out of the day), but they can be particularly helpful for strong-willed submissives. Try not to go nuts and overwhelm them with hundreds of rules and expectations. You can’t avoid every possible power struggle along the way, but a list of rules and expectations can help avoid some of the daily power struggles that wear on your nerves.

Strong-willed subs are often doers by default. If it seems like your submissive is always learning the hard way, that’s because he/she probably learns best by trial and error. Strong-willed subs have big ideas, and they may prefer to test their ideas or try telling you about them – this may seem like topping from the bottom but it can be done correctly using communication. If your sub follows the rules (ie: you must tell me any and all fantasies without assumption that they will be fulfilled), is there really any harm in letting them tell you about their fantasies? I find that many power struggles emerge between strong-willed subs and their partners because the subs have very strong opinions, and they tend to stick to them. You do have to set realistic rules and expectations, and you do have to follow through on those.

It’s extremely important to listen carefully.
Given that tenacious submissives tend to have a lot of very strong opinions and prefer to share those opinions often, Dom/mes can start ignoring them at times. It can be exhausting, and sometimes you just don’t want to debate why your rules are your rules. It’s important to listen. Sharing their ideas and opinions is how strong-willed subs work through things. If they appear stubborn at times, it’s because they have strong beliefs and integrity. They want to share that with you. Listen to your submissive and empathize. Help them channel that stubbornness into a positive. So your sub really wants to be dressed in certain types of clothing? Teach them how to research the pros and cons and engage in a healthy give-and-take on the matter instead of simply stating their need over and over again. No one likes whining and nagging. They might not get to wear those frilly pink panties, because it’s not something you are into, but at least they will feel heard and learn some important communication skills in the process. This is also an opportunity for a Dominant partner to compromise and even if you aren’t into a specific kink they are maybe you can negotiate a way to help fulfill that desire for them. Perhaps you don’t like them wearing feminine clothing but know they would like to try it… so you require them to wear them under their clothing whenever they are not around you. It’s a great reminder of who is in control… taps into their kink and doesn’t bother you in the least! 🙂

One of the things I find we need to ask ourselves is:
Are you being an intentional Dominant?
I like to think of being a Dominant in three ways:

Automatic: the stuff you do constantly and without thinking, like letting them know you are thinking about them, teasing them mentally and sexually, making sure they have and are following rules, praising behavior, etc.

Reactive: providing discipline and correcting behavior, giving after-care, fulfilling fantasies

Proactive: the stuff you really think about and plan ahead for, like an intense bondage, pegging or spanking scene.

Now ask yourself and be honest: How much time do you spend a week on proactive stuff — like really thinking about what it is you want your submissive to experience, and then putting together a plan to make it happen? That’s the first step to becoming a more intentional Dom/me.

The next thing to think about is focus. How often are we giving our subs our full and undivided attention? Do we listen to their fantasies with our whole heart? Do we set aside specific times each day to be fully and intentionally present?

I often get asked by submissive (guys mostly) if I think they are doing a good job at pleasing their Mistress/Dominant partner. I honestly have to tell them, “I don’t know!” They will describe the things they do and they certainly seem pleasing to me. I even get asked for ideas on how to please their Mistress… that is the most difficult question because I am not their Dominant and everyone on this planet (and I assume on other planets lol) is different and what is pleasing to one person may not be pleasing to another – the most important thing here is communication. That’s what I’m talking about here, click to have a listen to my latest raw, unscripted Podcast.

As I said in my podcast here are a couple links to some posts I think would be helpful.

Praise & Reassurance

It’s the Little Things

A Little Tease Here, A Little Tease There

Tease Techniques

I’m sure there are other posts here, over the past almost 3 years that would be helpful. Feel free to use the search bar at the top right of the page and hopefully you can find something that will help you along on your journey. If not, send me a message and let’s chat! Thanks again for reading and listening and I look forward to hearing your thoughts so please feel free to comment!

Do you know anything about the Gorean lifestyle and/or kajira? I recently had a long time friend confide in me that she was into this lifestyle. I don’t know much about it but from what I gather (this is very little reading and listening to her) it is very similar to a Master/slave relationship in the bdsm world. Rules to follow, she is the masters property and is not allowed to question, etc. Over the past few days we’ve been chatting about this and it seems she’s been a very very good girl. I would be so proud if she were my submissive! She’s very obedient and devoted.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing this post is to reach out to ask if my readers, their friends and anyone else you might know to give this poor girl some advice. She is a kajira in distress and is spiraling down fast. Here is her story – if you have questions, please ask and I will get answers!

I’m a kajira. I met a gorean Master online. He started training me, as I was brand new. I was also going through a divorce. I followed every rule I was given and He is a very dominant man. Everything was decided by Him. He told me that there would come a time He would need to leave me alone for a while, that after the divorce I would need that time, it was for the best. Last I heard from Him was January 16 and now His email no longer works, as of yesterday. I’m lost, sick to my stomach. I’ve remained devoted and faithful, following every rule. have I been abandoned? He would post how much He hated hearing about a kajira being abandoned, but I wasn’t collared yet. Before He stopped communicating, He’d told me He’d picked out my collar that I would wear the rest of my life. I fell in love with this man. Now I feel broken.

Ladies and gents, I need some serious help for this girl. She hasn’t heard from her Master in almost 6 months. Has she been abandoned? Does she give up waiting to see if he will again contact her? She’s so devoted and faithful to the lifestyle that she has continued to follow her rules and report to him and even continued to ask permission for everything – all without response from him all these months. She is not allowed to speak to other men (to ask another Master for advice), according to her rules, unless they are approved by her Master, but does she even have a Master anymore? She desperately needs advice! Please, I am asking you for help and for you to share this post to help this girl. She is one of my best friends and she trusted me with telling me about her living this lifestyle.

(Apologies for the delay in posting part 2; we had some RL drama to deal with over the past week or so, in addition to me working the weekend and some cancelled school days to boot… Read part 1 here!)

Thankfully, ML was much kinder with me during the rest of the day, allowing me restroom breaks when I needed them (as long as I was willing to ask nicely). Most of the interesting fun times naturally happened after the kids went to bed. My Lady and I spent a little bit of time watching TV, waiting to make sure that the kids went to sleep. 🙂 Once we were certain that the kids well asleep, we went into our bedroom.

My Lady began by having me inspect and tighten the under-the-bed restraints to make sure they were where she needed them. After doing so, I laid down on the bed and ML began to cuff me down. My hands were cuffed above my head, and my feet were spread out pretty wide; it wasn’t uncomfortable, but another few inches and it would have been. The straps of the restraints were so tight that I could barely move my legs.

My Lady started my teasing my cock with her hands and her mouth, her expert touch making me moan within seconds. She only did this for a minute or two; she wasn’t aiming to tease me, she just wanted me hard. She wanted my cock inside her, and she was going to get exactly what she wanted.

ML climbed on top of me and took my cock into her wet pussy, sliding herself slowly down the entire length of my shaft. She rode my cock slowly, careful not to get me too excited too quickly. She wanted me to last. She teased me with her titties, holding them inches above my face. If I tried to reach up and lick them, she’d pull them away. She made it even worse by bringing her nipple up to her mouth and sucking on her own tit. I was whimpering and moaning in frustration, and it turned My Lady on even more.

After a few minutes of riding me, ML got off and reached down the side of the bed. This always means one thing – she wants her wand. She wants to cum good and hard. Bringing the wand over, she straddled my hips again, only this time facing my feet. My cock slid into her soaked pussy again, and a moment later I felt the vibrations of the wand on my balls. I moaned and wiggled as much as I could, which wasn’t much because of the cuffs holding me in place and ML’s weight holding me down.

My Lady moved the wand upwards, vibrating the base of my cock on the way up to her clit. She moaned loud and pushed her hips harder down onto me. She began to grind her pussy on my cock, speeding headlong towards a massive orgasm.

Meanwhile, I was getting more and more frustrated every second. ML’s pussy on my cock felt amazing, but it only made me want to cum inside her, of course. I was watching ML’s sexy ass cheeks twitch and flex as waves of pleasure were pushing her closer to cumming.

ML’s moans started to get louder, and I knew she was getting close to cumming. There was one problem: so was I. Would ML have the presence of mind to stop before I came inside her? Could she even stop herself at this point? I was so close, until finally I gave up hope and resigned myself to having to start my year of denial over again…

Just before I couldn’t hold back any longer, ML shifted the tiniest bit and my cock popped out of her pussy. My cock throbbed untouched as ML came hard and loud with the wand. Not only was her timing perfect to avoid me cumming, but pulling me out just as her orgasm hit made her squirt all over my cock and balls. My cock continued to twitch as it was covered in ML’s warm squirt juices, and I felt it run down my balls and drip down my ass on the way to the mattress.

ML continued to drown my cock for the next half minute, at least. When she finally calmed down, she spun around so her dripping wet pussy was directly above my face. “There’s a mess to clean up,” she said, and she lowered her pussy down onto my face before I could catch my breath.

Thanks to the squirting, My Lady’s pussy was a wet gooey mess. I happily licked it all up, loving every delicious moment of ML riding my face. When she got up, I could feel my face was completely covered with her pussy juice. ML allowed me to towel off my face, but I could still smell her squirt all over me. I felt completely used, and I totally loved it.

The rest of the weekend was, I’m afraid to say, not all that interesting. With the kids home all day and some errands we needed to run, there wasn’t a lot of time for sexy fun. I do love being controlled by ML, though, and these occasional “total submission” days are very fun and intense. Living that lifestyle 24/7 just isn’t viable for us, both by circumstance and by choice.

Ever since we moved here to West Virginia, I can not help but get the biggest smile on my face every time these southern gentlemen say “yes, ma’am.” I actually get that smile when anyone says those words to me down here because it’s gives my inner Domme that oh so yummy feeling. Especially since so many people around here have that great southern accent.

I love hearing my subby hubby say “yes, ma’am” and it gets me every single time I hear it from others too. In my head I’m like, “yes ma’am, is right!” haha I’d never tell anyone else that, instead I smile and say thank you and go about my day. For some reason those words just give me a feeling of being in charge. That someone is agreeing to do the thing I’ve asked or told them to do. Those two simple words are so respectful and at the same time so submissive.

Just thought I’d share 🙂

We had some other questions asked from Chastity Forums and I thought I would answer those publicly as well. 🙂

My question to you Lady M:

as a dominant woman do you feel the urge to “use” your submissive male for your pleasure, denying him any form of sexual release?

Every so often I do feel this urge to just “make him my bitch” as I put it. That could be anything from simply using his face and hands to get off whenever, wherever and however I like to locking him in the stockade and pegging him until I felt he’d had enough. Cagedmonkey is ALWAYS denied his orgasm unless I’m feeling generous. I do very much enjoy denying his orgasms. I like the man that he is when he is denied. 🙂

Question to CagedMonkey:

Just wanted to know if Caged Monkey felt the same when you took him so hard and dominantly? For me it certainly changed things, emotionally and physically, and brought me to a level of true submission last felt when she gave me a hiding in the spreader bar

It is an extremely intense experience when My Lady steps into her “ultra-dominant” role. I can usually see it in her eyes before anything else. It’s intimidating and a little bit scary, I admit, mainly because I know that literally ANYTHING that ML wants to happen can (and most likely will) happen. But it is also very exciting and thrilling to be taken in that way, feeling how much control she has over me and knowing that’s exactly how it should be.

I realized today that I’m pretty grateful that my hubby and I work so well together. That our sexual needs and desires perfectly compliment each other. I thanked cagedmonkey today, I thanked him for being everything that I need and for allowing me to be everything that I am with him.

I can be a very aggressive person, if you’ve been reading along, I think we’ve established that. I get rough, I grab, squeeze, scratch, bite, pinch, pull and take what I want. I enjoy letting go and naturally letting my aggression take over, I love feeling my hand around his throat, under his chin or grabbing his face as I pull him in and kiss him very deep, hard and forcibly.

I love how powerful it feels to push him up against the wall, to pinch his nipple before I slide my hand up and hold him there by the throat. I love how it feels to move him exactly where I want him to kiss him or make him suck my titties or I shove his face in my pussy. I love that feeling of making him do exactly what I want him to do and I love when there is hungry, horny, aggression behind it.

No I am not like that all the time nor do I or would I enjoy it all the time… But there are those times when I, quite literally, get off on that powerful feeling.

I could write out some long descriptive post about what this is but it’s been done so I will mostly borrow the words written on the Predicament Bondage Wiki page. If you want a little more information or read into the different uses you could check there. I plan to only talk about the bits of predicament bondage that intrigue me. Perhaps as I do more of my own research I’ll get more interested in other uses – you know how research and time tend to expand my interests a bit once fantasy gets involved.

So, one of the reasons this came up is because both hubby and my girlie sub Lizzy are kinda the same. They both have a thing with being put into difficult situations. So I had both of them do some research on different types of predicament bondage. Lizzy was to look up the general sense and cagedmonkey was to look up Asymmetrical Bondage. Both of which put your sub in a difficult position.

So what exactly is Predicament Bondage? Predicament bondage is the art of restraining a person in such a way that there is a limited number of positions in which they can be, each of which are so uncomfortable that they are forced to shift their weight or position. Upon doing so, they place themselves in another equally uncomfortable position. It basically causes a sub to have to choose or alternate between the two positions, each of which carry their own pain. The default position is typically intended to cause muscle fatigue, such as standing on tiptoe. If they get too fatigued they have another option to choose which is usually a more physically painful position, for example letting themselves lower their weight and stand regularly while forcing a rope attached to their genitals to pull taut and cause pain.

One of the intriguing parts of predicament bondage is how it could be used in orgasm denial. Imagine hearing your dominant say, “you can cum but you’ll have to move up on to your tip toes to position the wand correctly and as you do that the rope will cause pain to your nipples.” Or something to that effect anyway. After being denied for days, weeks, months, are you willing to cause yourself pain to have that desperately wanted orgasm?

The sadistic side of me gets such a thrill thinking about watching someone try that. Giggling as I hear them grunt and moan. Agonizing over the decision. Such sadistic fun! 🙂

Another interesting but type of bondage is asymmetrical bondage which is more about causing a submissive’s body to become confused and off balance. It is when the body is bound in an asymmetric way, as in one leg bound bent up and the other straight. There isn’t a whole lot out there on this, that we’ve found, but we at least get the idea. When you bind the body in this way it throws the brain off since most of your body moves or works in symmetry. It’s an interesting concept anyway and we are still looking into it more and more.

I just wrote about the type of dominant I am. I know I’m pretty good at what I do but, I’m human and I’m not perfect. I try my best to keep all of the boys happy, teased, horny and frustrated as well as focused on goals, overcoming life’s obstacles and bettering themselves. 🙂 I love when they take the opportunity to let me know in words or even gifts that they appreciate me and love what I do for them.

Thank you to my panty wearing, ass plugged, tiny dicked, sissy boy for the beautiful steel bracelet. What a gorgeous Christmas gift. 🙂
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