control

All posts tagged control

On a recent post, Collaredmichael commented the following:

Do you find the perverse desire not to [cum] -in order to continue your streak of days without? It is something I seem to be experiencing – I want to cum but I don’t want to cum.

Short answer: I used to get this feeling, but not so much anymore.

I think, at one time, I felt the desire to keep pushing my denial farther and farther. Thinking about it now, it wasn’t so much of a desire to keep pushing it for a deeper intensity; it was more of an attempt to keep the sexual connection between ML and me. Since things have gotten much more healthier between ML and me in a sexual sense, I feel no desire to force it along anymore.

That’s not to say the feeling went away completely after things got better between us. When we attempted the full year of orgasm denial, of course I wanted to keep going without cumming. But that was the point of the exercise: just how long can we go? I think ML and I found out the answer to that.

At this point, I want my orgasms to be fully controlled by ML. That means not trying to “help my denial along” by resisting an orgasm and pushing my denial further; I’m in a state of mind now where I really do want to cum, but whether I do or not depends on what she wants. It wasn’t easy for me to get to this place mentally, but the work (and play) that My Lady and I have done has helped us get here.

I was asked this really great question recently so I thought I would take a minute to write here about it. I’m sure some of our readers who are in control would appreciate it. Then again, some of you in the submissive role may like to know this stuff too. 

“…doesn’t it make you feel bad sometimes when you deny your hubby for so so long? Do you ever feel guilty?”

There actually was a time, when we first started this whole chastity and longer term denial thing, that I would describe my feelings as guilt. Now that we are almost 4 years into this there are zero feelings of guilt. There doesn’t need to be any. 4 years ago my hubby asked me to take control of his sexual pleasure. He wanted me to be the one to decide if, when and how he would orgasm. I gladly accepted that role and took control over that pleasure for him. So why would I feel guilty about giving him something he wanted in the first place? That’s something us dominant types can forget sometimes… but when someone completely offers themselves to us we need to not feel guilty about accepting the responsibility.

Cagedmonkey naturally craves and needs to be controlled and I naturally crave and need to be in control. It makes us both feel fulfilled and content in our relationship and in our life. It fits us so well to accept these roles. 

So, in short, no I don’t feel bad or guilty about denying him orgasm or even keeping him locked in that steel cage and even controlling him to the point of when he gets a full erection. I love knowing that he is THAT controlled, down to something even HE can’t control! I love knowing he has a pretty constant reminder of me and the fact that I control him and he sexual organs and pleasure. It’s mine to enjoy, he gave me that. He offered me that gift and it’s one of the best things and shows such deep love and respect and, more importantly, trust. It makes me feel great, not guilty! 

Very recently Cagedmonkey and I have gotten a crap load of questions, lol and while some we answered specifically to those that asked already we thought the majority could be answered in a post in case any of your were interested in this stuff too. We always encourage people to ask questions and love taking the time to answer either privately or publicly so thanks to those who have asked. We appreciate your interaction and look forward to hearing from you again!! 🙂

Q: Do you see a time in your relationship when you’ll stop chastity?

A: Interesting question… NO! haha Cagedmonkey and I have actually talked about this a lot over the years and it’s comforting to both of us, I think, that neither of us want us to quit this or ever be done with the chastity. We have talked about, even as we age and may not be able to do some of the more hardcore things , we will continue and always have the chastity part of it all.

Q: Would you ever cuckold your husband while he is in chastity or is that something you are not into?

A: This is actually something we’ve talked about a bit. As far as the traditional (is it really traditional at all?) way of cuckolding, no, that is not something I would be willing to do. I am not really looking to have actual sex with other men. However, as we wrote in this post about, what we call, Pseudo-Cuckolding the whole idea of it is kinda hot and the little bit of jealousy of flirting with other men is a hot thing but neither of us have a desire for me to have sex with other men. Women on the other hand, that’s another story…

Q: What are your thoughts of ruined orgasm’s? do you do them, like them, hate them?

A:
Lady M – Oh I LOVE ruined orgasms and, of course, we do them! 🙂 They are really some of my favorite things in tease and denial. I absolutely LOVE when I can get CM right to the point of a ruined orgasm yet NOT give him one. That is a spot where I say I “broke it.” What that means is that I didn’t fully ruin his orgasm but his dick is all confused wondering what the fuck just happened and then I can practically use it as much as I want and he wont cum for a bit until his penis figures out it really didn’t cum! I’m totally smiling writing this and describing it!
CM – Yes, like ML said we do them and I hate them and hate how frustrating they are. I also try very hard not to have them but My Lady is extremely good at forcing them to happen whether I like it or not.

Q: Do you think chastity would work for anyone or does it take a certain relationship dynamic to make it work?

A: I think CM and I both agree on this that it takes a certain kind of person and relationship to actually enjoy chastity play. There has to be the right frame of mind, as we have said, chastity is not a lock it and leave it thing. There is work involved on both sides… unless of course being locked up and forgotten about is your thing. There is a LOT of emotional well being that needs to be considered when getting into chastity. It’s not just a steel (or plastic or resin) cage locked on your cock – there is a shit ton of mindfuckery that HAS to go along with it.

Q: “I just recently found your blog, and was wondering what your experience with the mature metal cage has been. Back in the day, we had a CB2000, but found it difficult to maintain long term chastity due to nighttime erections and swelling. Wondering if you have encountered these issues and how you dealt with it. Thanks.”

A: Mature Metal is really great, no buts about it (and, no, that’s not a paid advertisement, lol). It sounds like the problems you were having weren’t device related; nighttime erections are a pretty normal thing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I need to do math in my head to get myself under control!

Swelling could be another issue – it could be normal attempted erections, but it also could be a sign that you need to adjust your cage measurements. If your cage is comfortable, it’s probably just that your cock wants to get hard but it can’t.

Q:  I noticed you have a long list of kinks that I absolutely love and a lot I’m curious about. Do you and your husband have any particular favorites?

A: I think our main kinks are tease, orgasm control, chastity, spanking and bondage… I mean we touch on a lot of different fetishes and kinks but those are probably most often.

Q: How is cagedmonkey enjoying his freedom since you let him cum after 10 months?

A: Oh, I’m sorry, were you under the assumption that I let cagemonkey out of his cage and left him unlocked after he got his long awaited orgasm? HAHAHA NOOOOOOO!!!!!! He was unlocked and I got what I needed, I did allow him to sleep uncaged that night but he was locked back up in the morning just like he is everyday. 🙂

 

Thank you all so much for the questions again! I love when we get a big rush of questions come in from all over the place, it’s so much fun to write about them but also it gets CM and I talking about all this stuff and keeps our communication open! Please, email, Twitter, Fetlife, where ever you contact us, please keep them coming. It’s extremely therapeutic!! 🙂

Literal answer to rhetorical question alert!

chas·ti·ty
ˈCHastədē/
noun
the state or practice of refraining sexual intercourse.

As I was putting my cage on after shaving yesterday, I started thinking about exactly what this is that ML and I are doing. It’s easy to call it “chastity” but is it really that?

As you can see from the definition above (thank you, Google), chastity usually involves less (or perhaps even no) sex. Since ML began locking my cock in a cage, we’ve been have more – and BETTER – sex than ever. That’s like the opposite of chastity!

My Lady is in complete control of when and how much sex we have. And keeping my cock locked up all to herself gets her pretty damn horny, so we end up having sex pretty often. The cage doesn’t even stop her from having my cock when she wants it – she will have sex with even even while I’m caged, and she loves every minute of torturing me like that.

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You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to feel her warm wet pussy on my cock, yet I’m still unable to get hard. My cock certainly tries, but always fails. ML has has many orgasms on my caged cock as I throb helplessly against the steel. It often feels like I could cum, but it’s only wishful thinking. I’m left as frustrated as ever, often with a painfully full cage as ML drifts off into blissful post-orgasmic sleep.

So, we will continue to call it “chastity,” even though it’s something different at the heart if it. It’s not about refraining from sex; if anything, it drives us to want it more. For us, it’s about control. ML controls me sexually, not just my orgasms but even my erections. She will have sex with me when she wants, whether she allows me to have a erection or not.

The other day I had an amazing amount of fun teasing hubby while I was out. He happened to have one of those rare days off during the week – and the kids finally were at school all day – but I had an appointment to get myself all prettied up and get my hair done. Hubby, rarely, if ever, gets time in the house alone so this whole day worked out pretty well. Usually when he has a day off and the kids aren’t home we scramble to get in whatever playtime we can together. This time, though, rather than breaking out the bondage toys and all that we just both enjoyed a day without kids. He got to hang out for a couple of hours at home relaxing and playing some video games (the kind you can’t play in front of the kids) and I went to my hair appointment.

Don’t think, for a second, that I left him home all denied and crazy to fend for himself. He had tasks to do for me. The first thing he did before he even got out of bed that morning was use my wand to bring himself to the edge while in his cage. Just before it was time for me to head out, I had him go plug his sexy little ass with the njoy plug and take off his cage. While I was gone he had other instructions to follow.

I sat there in the salon chair with my stylist behind me, every 20 mins looking at my phone waiting for the pictures to come through, hoping she didn’t see pictures of rock hard, horny cock in my text messages. While I was gone, cagedmonkey was to stroke himself and edge himself, holding out the edge for 1 full minute. Each time he did this (every 20 mins) he was to send me pic and video proof and no two pictures could look the same. Once in awhile I would give him further instructions, things like doing it while standing and facing the window or I would describe a fantastic scene where he was doing me from behind, bouncing against my nice soft round ass, telling him he’d love to pull out and feel and see his hot cum shooting all over it.

You know, stuff like that! 🙂 This continued for the entire almost 4 hours I was gone and just before the end of it he was begging me to stop stroking his cock. I find that adorable and it makes me giggle to think of all those times he’s begging to be touched while locked in the cage that I brought him to the other extreme of being to STOP touching!

Recently, cagedmonkey and I ended up with some extremely rare alone time and we got in some playtime. We’ve needed this time together for awhile since we moved and it just happened to work out that we got it. We both wanted to take a few minutes to explain why this time is important to us as a kinky couple as well as for each of us emotionally. It actually might help others understand why the like to do some of the things they like to do sexually. A lot of times it comes down to healing from our past. Please understand we are not professionals, we have never claimed to be, we simply have worked hard on ourselves and our relationship over the years and have learned a lot. We love to share our thoughts and views on things in hopes that it might help someone out on their journey!

In therapy there is something called “Act it Out” exercises. We have never actively done this kind of therapy but we have read about it in the past couple years and discussed it’s benefits with our therapist. Cagedmonkey and I have realized how helpful this kind of therapy can be for people who have had childhood trauma and/or abuse in whatever form. There are so many ways a kid can be screwed up by things, whether it’s physical or emotional. Most of the time, abuse survivors will hold back, hide, fear expressing their feelings or being themselves and sometimes even end up losing relationships in their lives that are important because they don’t know how to show who they really are. There are therapists out there who incorporate acting exercises into therapy sessions to help abuse survivors to come out from behind the curtain and face their fears and their feelings. That’s the simple version of it because I don’t want to turn this post into a REALLY long post on psychology. As always, if you want to know more about “Act it Out” exercises please do some googling! 🙂

I’m sure you can imagine how the whole “Act it Out” thing comes in handy in a kinky relationship. It addresses all those sexual feelings we may feel embarrassed by or afraid to admit, even to ourselves. Having a safe partner to act things out with is crucial. Whether you have a trusted sex therapist to talk to about these things or just awesome communication with your partner – either way gives you the release you may need, to work through some of the bottled up feelings and fears you have hidden away inside.

He Said: Some people might think it’s kind of crazy, how ML and I use our “mental issues” and our traumatizing pasts as part of our sex lives. I wouldn’t suggest just anyone trying it; ML and I wouldn’t go this deep without having really strong communication between us, otherwise the potential for hurting each other would be too great.

My Lady can explain to you how I fit her needs better than I can, but I’ll just say that I take great pleasure in being what she needs. As for my needs being filled, ML represents a way for me to make up for past mistakes.

To give enough background for this without getting too deep or wordy, I’ll start by saying that I spent a good part of my childhood getting away with things. I was a “mama’s boy” and the youngest in my family, which basically meant I was able to do whatever I wanted without worrying about the consequences. It’s a good thing I wasn’t too much out of control, otherwise I could have ended up in some real bad situations.

Anyway, the kink that ML and I share gives me a chance to make up for the discipline I missed. She is the firm, demanding, “mother-like” figure I needed as a child, only now she uses her control in a sexual manner.

It sounds totally fucked up… and maybe it is. Maybe it’s crazy for ML to take her anger against men out on me, or for me to look to her to make me pay for mistakes I made years ago. But we both know that it is a safe way for us to work through our issues and heal old wounds and have some damn good sex at the same time. The mental/emotional connection that we have during it makes everything so intense and amazing.

 

She Said: I’ll take a minute to get a little personal with you all to help you understand why this Domme/sub relationship we have and the things we do are so incredibly helpful for me. When I was a kid I was always put down, told I was not good enough and that I would never have anything good because I didn’t act a certain way or look a certain way. On top of that I was sexually abused as a young child so I’m sure you can imagine the demons I have hiding inside of me. I have found during this journey with my wonderful, amazing husband that I need the man that he is. I need a man who is a MAN, who can show me how he loves me for who I am and how I am and how I look. I also need a man who is willing to submit to me and let me control, at times, even the little things. I was made to feel so worthless and pointless as a kid and teenager, not to mention completely helpless by an older man. Now I get to face the fear that those things are really true about me and I get to use the kink that I enjoy to help me dig through the baggage I carry from childhood.

When I am dominating my hubby and controlling him I feel like I am being listened to. When I tell him (politely yet demanding) to do something and he says “Yes, ma’am,” I feel important and worthwhile. I feel like I have something to give, like what I say and do means something. When I control him, even the little things, it makes me feel more powerful than that little girl who sat there being told she would never amount to anything because she wasn’t pretty enough or thin enough. I feel more powerful than the child who was beaten because she “couldn’t do anything right,” because she “didn’t clean that right,” and would never get a husband because she’s “too fat.” Yes, seriously I was told those things and so many other horrible things you may wonder why in the fuck I even still talk to my mother. After the welts she left on my back from not doing things just the way she wanted them done.

This is sexual side of things makes me feel even more powerful. After feeling so completely helpless as a child by this older man in my life, you can only imagine the feelings I have and the emotions inside that come from dominating a man sexually. How it feels to force HIM to do things he maybe doesn’t want to do, to force HIM to take what I give him and make HIM feel completely helpless because of me. I get off so very much on feeling that power, of making him take things from me and causing that reaction in him. Those moans, those whimpers and the begging and pleading with me, the one who is controlling his pain or his pleasure. It’s ME who’s got this big strong man where I want him forcing him to endure whatever I want because in that moment, I’m the stronger one. I’m the more powerful one. Perhaps not physically stronger but mentally and emotionally, I’m the one with all the power. I say what happens and when it stops. It fuels me and gives me back what was ripped from away from me as a child. My identity, my life, taken away when I was so small. In those few moments when I’m grabbing my husbands throat and making him do what I want, or making him feel what I want him to feel, it gives me back the power of myself.

 

I hope by both of us writing this out for you guys helps you get to know us a little bit better and helps you when you worry about some of the things you may like sexually. It’s ok to like them and it’s perfectly fine to Act it Out with someone safe!

After a late night of teasing me and edging me over and over without mercy, My Lady was still not through torturing me.

(By the way, if you haven’t seen her post yet, click on that link… seriously, there is an AMAZING picture of ML’s tits posted there!)

ML once again took advantage of my unlockedness to tease me in the morning… from the very moment I woke up, in fact. She was stroking me, pushing me to yet another frustrating edge. After the edging from the night before, I was beginning to feel like I couldn’t handle any more. My body wanted to cum… my cock NEEDED to cum…. but My Lady wouldn’t allow it.

ML gave me three more edges before it came time for me to head to work. But she wasn’t done with me yet.

One thing I truly appreciate is the level of trust ML and I share in our chastity relationship. ML knows how devoted I am to being a “good boy” for her, so she feels comfortable leaving me unlocked if she is not directly with me – if it suits her needs, which it certainly did today.

ML instructed me to make sure that my cock stayed hard for the entire ride to work, which just happens to last about an hour or so. “Squeeze it, stroke it, do whatever you have to do,” she told me. So I ended up having to play with my cock for the next hour while I drove to work, desperate to cum but not allowed to. When I texted ML that I had gotten to work safely, she demanded three edges from me before I locked myself back up. I had to wait until about a half hour into my shift before I could stuff my poor teased cock back into its cage.

These edges are really driving me crazy! I do enjoy when ML touches me and teases me because it feels so fucking good, but eventually the frustration of being stimulated so much without orgasm begins to be too much. This, of course, is when ML enjoys asserting her control and forcing me to endure even more. I truly do want the teasing to stop at that point, whether she lets me cum or not. But I want it to be her choice – under her control – more than I want it to just happen. So I keep taking as much as she gives me.

What choice do I have?

We were recently asked a bunch of questions from a guy on Fetlife and they were such wonderful questions that I knew we had to take the time to answer them here. Since there are so many, we will be breaking them up over a couple Mail Chastity posts. We are also doing this because some are aimed at me, being the one in control and some to cagedmonkey, being the one controlled and locked in chastity.

Please feel free to ask us anything you like, we really do love interacting with our readers and answering questions. Any questions are ok from general to personal. What would you like to know?

A gentleman from Fetlife asks:

What is it like to have that control over a man?

The best way I can describe this feeling is that it feels powerful. Emotionally I feel strong, empowered, important, wanted, desired and needed. Physically I feel this tingling sensation, this warm rush comes over me and the feelings of power flow through my body. My heart beats a little faster and it’s almost like I can feel my blood pumping through my veins. Sometimes it’s even a bit overwhelming and I have to stop myself and back up for a second or two.

We’ve only been doing this, at this intensity level, for a couple years and only recently have I allowed my natural aggressiveness come out so it can still get overwhelming for me at times. But, cagedmonkey and I both say, this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon so we have plenty of time to enjoy this I the time that is right for us.

How long did it take to train him to withhold orgasm…because you do allow him sex, right?

First of all, yes, I do allow him sex. Our “sex” happens daily but it’s not the same sex we had before chastity. It’s much more intimate and meaningful and doesn’t necessarily include intercourse. Sometimes we have intercourse. Sometimes we have intercourse, daily. It just depends on what is happening or how I’m feeling because I’m in control of our sexual pleasure.

As for training, there wasn’t much actual training other than practice. Orgasm denial was something cagedmonkey experimented with before he and I met and it’s something we’ve played with the entire 15 years we’ve been together. The past two years there has been a lot of edging and denial and I think, over time, he gets better and better at recognizing his orgasm and where the edge is and he’s learned that feeling of going too far.

I do think a man could be trained in time, with repeated edging and denial, to be able to hold off longer and longer. Denial also makes holding off that much harder. It’s a bit of a double edged sword but possible.

I hope this helped answer his questions and if any of our Dom/Domme readers would like to add their thoughts, please feel free to leave a comment!

A little while ago we took a small break from, “you’ll be locked XX long…” and “you won’t cum for XX days…” and things got very relaxed and unknown and, dare I say, UNFRUSTRATING. It was ok and it was nice not to have to plan things out for a bit but it also made me realize I actually enjoy planning things out. I enjoy knowing what I will be doing next and, even if I decide to change things along the way, having a basic plan for things makes things more comfortable for me and cagedmonkey (I think). A few weeks ago I decided that, as a couple doing the male chastity thing, we needed some good intense D/s feelings. I wanted cagedmonkey to feel a deep sense of my control. With the relaxed unknown there also seemed to be less feeling of control.

To put that sense of control back in full force, I decided to keep cagedmonkey locked 24/7 in his Jail Bird with zero release. I figured a good month would get him in the proper, super horny and submissive mindset. Well it certainly has not taken that long to get his dick to understand as he wrote. I actually love that he is back to being full time horny as fuck and dripping precum!

Not only did I feel we needed some cage time without parole but I knew with the relaxed attitude and everything else going on (ie. Job searching, moving, etc) that the dominance and intensity level were sinking. I think we’ve both felt it. I mean, we both know who’s in charge, but the servicing and pleasing me part was quickly becoming nonexistent. I know why I backed down from the domination and it’s because cagedmonkey was already stressed out enough and, I feared, pushing him might cause some pretty bitchy behavior. I don’t like bitchy behavior.

So the other day, now that hubby’s new job and our new home is settled, I felt it was time to bring back the aggressive, domination. I started using cagedmonkey for my pleasure all day long and utterly frustrating him. His cage was pushing hard away from his body and his cock struggling so hard against the confines of his Jail Bird. I restrained him to the bed and visited very often using his face, caged cock and any other part of his body to get myself off. He was left there all day covered in my cum. He ultimately broke the cuffs that day, so we will have to get another pair that are comfortable enough for him to sleep in and for long term.

It’s been fun bringing back my dominance and letting out my aggressively horny self. I love the way he looks at me when I grab him and take him and get forceful and aggressive. That “holy shit I love this” look in his eye as I do things to him and make him please me just the way I want to be pleased.

I can’t get enough and I look forward to letting more of my natural aggressiveness take over in the coming weeks. I’ve got powerful cravings for power and control and dominance. Hubby has a week off at the end of July, too and I plan to take advantage of his time off work. 🙂

My whole body was sore after Sunday night. Cagedmonkey was only off one night this week due to some overtime at work so we made sure to make the best of it. Not to mention the illness and craziness of the past two weeks. We finally got a chance to try out the new Sneaky Pete sex machine. When I bought it, I made sure to purchase the Fleshlight and attachment so I could tease and torment the hell out of him whether he was locked in the stockade or just pinned against the couch.

So the other night (as I was live tweeting his teasing) I made him head to the store to get the White Lithium grease we needed to lubricate the machine. We got it set up – literally took 5 mins – and positioned correctly for optimal torture of the man parts. You absolutely need to make sure there is lube both in the Fleshlight and on the penis when using the machine and be prepared to add lube as you go along. It soaks in rather quickly since it must be water based and the machine is non-stop.

I swear cagedmonkey was just hard with anticipation of the torture that was to come. The fucking machine has a dial in which to adjust the speed. It can go from 0-200 thrusts per minute. I sure did test those out on hubby. It was so much fun to go really really fast and suddenly stop, which was something that impressed me about the machine. It responds well to the turn dial and that helped when I certainly didn’t want to accidentally push him over the edge. Since I wasn’t the one feeling his body reactions with my hand I had to rely on his sounds and facial expressions. It worked really well!
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I noticed how wet my pussy was getting while having that dial in my hand, controlling whatever pleasure or torment I wanted cagedmonkey to feel. My pussy literally quivered every time he would moan and whimper as he got closer to the edge. Hehe damn I love the way that sounds! Anyway, as much as I would like to explain it with my words, I was not the one feeling it so you will have to ask cagedmonkey to write a hot sexy “tortured cock” post about how it felt to have that machine thrusting at him. I can just imagine the mindfuckery that was happening there.
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The best I can do is post the video I took so you can watch a small portion of the torment cagedmonkey went through the other night. I truly look forward to many more nights of using this machine for more than just torturing his cock. I plan to use it while I force him to watch me get fucked. I plan to use a probe and restrain him in the doggystyle bondage stockade and violate him… endlessly because the machine will not tire. I cannot wait to hear him beg me to make it stop while I giggle at him enduring whatever torment I want to entertain myself with.

Enjoy!