communication

All posts tagged communication

ML’s last post was about the search for balance. Recently, I’ve been wanting to search for something else: intensity.

Don’t get me wrong at all – our sex life is pretty damn intense as it is. In fact, ML and I often joke about how, when other guys say that they wish they could be as lucky as I am, that they might have second thoughts once they realize just how passionate My Lady is when it comes to dominating me. Sometimes it’s a miracle that I can handle it!

So, there’s no shortage of awesome sex in our household. But there are certain things that I miss, particularly about when we first started our “rekindling.” Some examples:

– squirting: ML’s ability to squirt is still pretty impressive, but there were times where ML’s pussy would squirt like a fountain and soak the seat of my car on our date nights.

– ML’s spontaneous orgasms: I remember making eye contact with ML from across the room and watching her as she made herself cum without touching her pussy or anything, just using her imagination to get herself off. I was so turned on by that… and jealous, too!

ML and I talked about these things the other night, and we realized that yes, those were very intense times for our relationship. Things were new, fun, and exciting… dare I say, could it be that things have gotten… STALE?

Okay, it’s not THAT bad… sex with ML is still pretty fucking amazing. But yeah, things are less intense than they were.

After some more talking (communication, people, it works, hehe), we realized what has changed: we aren’t doing the “little lovey” things we used to do. Things like leave each other tiny love notes here and there, the “non-sexual” hugs and kisses (that eventually lead to sex, but weren’t intended for that), and other tiny gestures that feed the emotional connection of our marriage.

You see, My Lady has an interesting mental/physical connection – when she feels emotionally in tune with me, she gets really really horny… and unbelievably wet. Like, seriously, it’s like a flood in her panties. And it’s this connection that leads to those intense moments. So, we’ve decided to try to bring those feelings and those moments back… not just for more squirting and orgasms-on-demand, but because our marriage and our love truly flourishes when we focus on those things.

Of course, those other pussy-related results would be great perks, as well. 🙂

Monkey in a Cage is back with another episode of the podcast! I know it’s been a little bit since we’ve gotten one up but here it is. If you follow us or subscribe to our podcast on Soundcloud.com you already got the notification that we posted a new podcast. Go you!!

Cagedmonkey and I were quite inspired by Drunk History, so in this episode we decided it might be fun to answer some questions from our readers and followers on a podcast while intoxicated. We were asked some questions about pegging, how it feels teasing and communication. Thank you again to our followers who asked questions on Twitter before and during our recording. We didn’t do a whole lot of editing to this so you get to hear all of the drunken slurs and tangents we get off on. We hope you enjoy!! 🙂

Click here to listen to our podcast on Soundcloud.com.

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I often get asked by submissive (guys mostly) if I think they are doing a good job at pleasing their Mistress/Dominant partner. I honestly have to tell them, “I don’t know!” They will describe the things they do and they certainly seem pleasing to me. I even get asked for ideas on how to please their Mistress… that is the most difficult question because I am not their Dominant and everyone on this planet (and I assume on other planets lol) is different and what is pleasing to one person may not be pleasing to another – the most important thing here is communication. That’s what I’m talking about here, click to have a listen to my latest raw, unscripted Podcast.

As I said in my podcast here are a couple links to some posts I think would be helpful.

Praise & Reassurance

It’s the Little Things

A Little Tease Here, A Little Tease There

Tease Techniques

I’m sure there are other posts here, over the past almost 3 years that would be helpful. Feel free to use the search bar at the top right of the page and hopefully you can find something that will help you along on your journey. If not, send me a message and let’s chat! Thanks again for reading and listening and I look forward to hearing your thoughts so please feel free to comment!

It’s been almost 10 years since cagedmonkey has had a regular day shift schedule. He has worked so hard to provide for our family. He has made me so proud to be his wife and the mother of his children. We made the choice together, 10 years ago, that I was going to stay home with the kids (at the time it was just one). Which meant we needed more money from his income to survive. That meant going to an off shift for the differential pay. We knew it was temporary but we never expected temporary to last 10 years lol. Over that time hubby has put so much into his job, went to school for some extra letters after his name and busted ass to become supervisor ready. Then the job he was at for 12years let him down and we ultimately moved here to West Virginia. Which, by the way, is beautiful and we really do like it here!

I never knew, after 10 years, how conditioned I was that I put the kids to bed and Yay! I have a few minutes to spend with hubby before he goes to work. He’s been off that schedule for about a month now, you would think it would go away by now but, still, every night I have to remind myself… I have ALL night with him. I actually get to sleep in bed with him every night. We go to bed together, we hold each other (most of the night unless it’s too hot LoL), we wake up together. It truly is something I feel others might take for granted. I cannot even begin to express that feeling of relief I get every night when I realize, “oh! He doesn’t have to go to work tonight.” And yes, I still get it every night! It’s weird!

The other thing that’s been so hard to adjust to with this whole day shift thing is just how much I miss the man I love. When he was working nights we chatted in text messages through half the night and then I’d fall asleep. I sure missed him but half the time he was gone I was sleeping. During my awake time he was sleeping but I still had access to him. 🙂 it’s so different now that he’s working and we are awake and asleep at the same times. I feel like I miss him much more now when I only get a text or two at his breaks and lunches. I know I will get used to it, it’s only been a week. Trust me that I appreciate that it’s something I have to get used to. He has worked hard to get to this spot and we, as a couple and a family, have been through a lot to get here too. I love the place we are in. I love the relationship we have now, the intimacy level and the communication between us has never been better. Not to mention the amazing, awesome, kinky sex we have! 🙂

I really want to thank our readers for being a part of this with us. It’s so fun to have met some amazing friends who we can totally be ourselves with. We love the questions we get and the conversations we have but more than that I think we really appreciate the love and support our new friends have offered!

Things here with Kid1 have been very stressful. For those who haven’t read the What’s This All About page or follow us on Twitter, our oldest child is on the Autism Spectrum. She also has some other medical issues but that is neither here nor there, that’s just something that can add to the stress sometimes. She’s been on medication since she was about 4 years old for her inability to control her emotions and that she can even get violent. Anyway recently we have tried to switch her to a new medication and it has been an extremely horrible experience. I just made an urgent call to her Behavioral Pediatrician today about it.
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My point in telling you all that is because we have been finding it very hard to find time to connect. That’s not to say we haven’t had a few little sexy moments or little teases here or there. Even through all this we manage days like the other day, where I tease and torment cagedmonkey all day. The problem is the in between times where the horny is completely lost due to a child having a complete breakdown and my ulcer flaring up and being totally worn down by the whole thing. That small connection we were able to make, physically or emotionally, was now severed by a screaming, yelling, flailing around 10 year old girl.

Like I said, we actually HAVE been connecting but it doesn’t feel that way, especially at night when I’m so exhausted. I’ve usually spent all day handling the girl child and then both of the kids when kid2 gets home. I end up falling asleep earlier than normal and missing out on texting hubby while he’s at work. I’m missing him terribly by the next morning when he finally gets home… But then he’s off to bed so I’m still not seeing him for 6 or 7 hours.

Life and marriage with kids is hard and this is one thing that can really put a damper on a sex life. Even cagedmonkey tried for like two days to write his last post but dealing with kid issues and busyness at work dragged it out. I’m just glad we are able to communicate these things with each other. That we are able to say we aren’t feeling as good of a connection as we need, emotionally. It really keeps our relationship healthy when we can help each other out by giving more of what we need to feel a greater connection.
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Cagedmonkey and I were texting last night while sitting on the couch together – since we have young kids and there is no way we can have these kinds of conversations in front of them. Even if we try to use cryptic words it would never have this impact.

Conversations like the one we had where cagedmonkey is telling me about how he’s feeling sexually – I just love communication! – really gets me going. Especially when his mood and my mood compliment each other. He is feeling like this:
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And I’m feeling exactly the opposite of that, where I’m so fucking horny that I want to just use him for every bit of my pleasure… Like he’s my sex toy and nothing more. This right here is why we are so perfect together!

Fuck, I’m so horny I’m sitting here in church and my pussy is wet, quivering and aching as I think about going home and taking out my horny frustrations on cagedmonkey!

I hate those times when I feel disconnected from cagedmonkey. This past week or so of him being sick is apparently getting to me. I had to stop yesterday and sit down and talk to him because I could feel myself overanalyzing, worrying and wondering. Not about anything in particular, because I don’t truly have any weird signs but just overall about the lack of connection. So rather than do the normal “woman” thing when I started to feel that, I went right to cagedmonkey to tell him these, in a way, irrational feelings I was having.

What I normally would do is just hold it in, push the feelings aside and not really acknowledge or deal with them. I learned the hard way that doing those things is nothing more than the perfect way for me to spiral emotionally out of control and to start fabricating a million different reasons as to why he doesn’t love me. Rationally, I know this is ridiculous but emotionally and hormonally, I’m a woman. We are built this way.

Anyway I sat down yesterday morning with cagedmonkey and told him I was feeling disconnected. We talked about why I might be feeling that and without the physical love between us, I think a little ptsd was kicking in. I am so busy and getting worn from taking care of him while he’s been sick, the kids, the house and realized that no one is taking care of me. I started to miss the feeling of being wanted, cared for, desired physically. Not that I need him to do things for me, but I do like that he wants to. With him being sick those “I’m going to do this for her because it’s helpful and she will know I’m thinking of her and focused on her” things don’t happen. Those “hey honey I set up your coffee maker to brew for the morning so you don’t have to” little things that make me feel like he wants to see me smile and swoon aren’t there. Anyway, without those things I started to get those “I’ll just have do it all myself” feelings again and I knew those were not ok feelings, he’s sick and I don’t have to do it all myself. Those things will be back, his dick is still locked in a cage for me and when I can get back to teasing him properly everyday and using him for my pleasure everything will be back to normal.

The good thing about communicating is that simply telling him and acknowledging that I was feeling that way made a huge difference for me in my emotional state. Communicating also brings him into my head and he is then able to give what he can to help me not feel the way I do. If he never knows what silly irrational thoughts I’m having, how can he show me or tell me they are silly irrational thoughts? I rob him of the opportunity to adjust his behavior and to support me. It’s as if I am going to battle, alone, in my own head. It’s better to have someone there fighting with you and for you.

My love, my protector, the guardian of my heart and soul… my knight in literal shining armor 🙂

Yesterday I started to feel a bit depressed and I couldn’t exactly put a finger on the specific thing that was making me feel down. I do know that it hit me quick and hit me kinda hard. One of the crappy things about being so in tune with my mental state (I’ve got way too many years of therapy to thank for that) is that I FEEL my depression kick in almost immediately. I feel my body change and my thoughts change. Yes, it’s an AWESOME thing that I can now do that because I can get right on top of it and work out the problem before I spiral out of control down into a deep hole. So, I knew something was wrong after cagedmonkey came home and asked “do you think I could get out and maybe sleep more comfortably?” For some reason that really got to me.

When I got up yesterday morning and was texting with CM on his way home from work, I was excited about maybe putting him in the bondage sack and depriving him good sleep and just tormenting him all day. It was exciting to think about all the things I wanted to do to tease him and drive him crazy. After all, I had spent the night before sending him pics and video of me getting off with my wand. It really seemed to drive him nuts.
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After he got home and asked me to get out in such a non-urgent way it just gave me this feeling that he wasn’t even horny. I felt like he wasn’t aching to get out and that all the teasing and stuff I’d been doing wasn’t frustrating him at all. I LOVE to see his frustration, to hear him beg, to know that what I’m doing is making him bonkers. I mentioned to him that I thought he should unlock and masturbate because he didnt seem all that submissive to me. I felt like maybe he was just bored and done playing my game. This apparently confused him because in his mind he was feeling very submissive – I just wasnt seeing it outwardly. This is where the wonderful communication in a relationship comes in.

Our conversation was through text messages because of the kids, it went like this:

CM: I’m sorry you feel as though my desire to be dominated is gone…. I don’t know what is causing these thoughts, but it’s not true…. I love being controlled by you, being kept by you, being yours and only yours all day every day…. Is it possible that you are questioning your own level of passion for this? Could it be that you are projecting – instead of me not being as submissive as you like, in fact you are not being as dominant as you want to be? Not trying to blame you, I promise, just trying to figure out what the deal is.

LM: I don’t feel like I have any loss of passion… At the moment I don’t feel submission and maybe it is my fault maybe I’m not being dominant enough, maybe I’m not intense enough… I’m just feeling inadequate.

CM: I don’t feel that’s true. I’m enjoying everything about us.
Would you like me to stop “asking out”? Is that me taking too much power from you?

LM: I don’t know what I want… I want to feel like you NEED desperately to be out and that’s why your asking and not feel like it’s a “hey yeah, I was thinking I could sleep comfortably” thing… Maybe what I need is to keep you locked up a little extended and tease you to tears. Maybe it was just that whole situation made it feel weird… Maybe I need to hear some me and you fantasies too. Not stockade, fucking machine, girlie play partner, abandonment fantasies but you and me fantasies from you. To feel like there is still this dynamic in your mind between us and that all that other stuff isn’t necessary. I dunno, I guess sometimes I feel like I’m competing with the bigger fantasies and maybe I won’t live up to those.

CM: I don’t “fantasize” about us too much because it’s already real and I love it! Maybe I’ve gotten too much into the “don’t expect anything” mentality, but I haven’t shared too much only because I don’t want to push you or affect you, etc… I was really hoping you’d follow through with your “sleep sack” idea today. It’s been a while since you’ve done any full bondage/teasing type stuff…. I didn’t want to push too hard and mention it/ask for it because that’s not what I do anymore. We’ve had a lot of “starter” moments lately – like the other day when you were stimulating pegging me on the bed, etc – but not a lot of times where we’ve actually played together. I figured you were getting back into it on your own pace, so I didn’t want to pressure you.

LM: I guess I at least want to know that you think about and desire things between us… it’s not about asking because I like that you don’t ask or push me or annoy me to do things… but telling me “oh I was thinking, last night, about that time when you tied me to the bed….” or “I dreamed about us laying together and I realized you had tied me down and you were masturbating next to me and I couldn’t move to help or touch you or even look at you” etc. Knowing that you think about me sexually, that you remember those times makes me want to recreate them or do something similar… it let’s me know that I did something good and you liked it and you want it again. It’s not you asking when you are reminiscing – even if you wrote about it on the blog – how “that one time” felt, how you loved it, what you loved, that you’d love it again… stuff like that. Being “caught up” in something we did – not obsessing but the “wow, ugh, awesomeness, frustration” and reminiscing – that’s a good word to describe it… not getting stuck in a moment or on something we did but being caught up in it just enough to show me “fuck that was awesome can we do it again?”

CM: I will try harder to find that “middle ground.”

LM: Btw we’ve had those moments but then the playtime is lost and, today… I just felt blah after this morning and my oomph for the sleep sack drifted quickly and I had this why bother feeling… like it wouldn’t matter if I did because I’m not good enough anyway.

CM: I’m sorry I haven’t been giving you what you need.

LM: I don’t think it’s that YOU haven’t been giving me what I need… I just think I’m figuring it out, right now, talking to you… that sometimes (obviously not all the time!) I need to know what I’m doing is good and appreciated and wanted and desired. Maybe I’m completely wrong and I just suck.

CM: You don’t suck, I wish you sucked more, tbh 😉
On my penis
My achy needy penis

Ok, ok you can see where that conversation led after that. Having that conversation actually catapulted us into an extremely frustratingly horny day. I was sopping wet all day while we were sexting and sneaking playful moments here and there when the kids were busy. It was wonderful to talk about all the naughty, playful, kinky things we do again. I’ve missed hearing how tight his cage feels or how what I’m doing is effecting him. I think we got to a point where it just felt so normal to horny all the time and he must have figured I knew he was horny, so why tell me. Well… telling me fuels me, keeps me going and makes me eager to push the intensity level. I really am just figuring this out and I’m so happy that my marriage is in a different place now. Two years ago, we’d never mention sex, let alone have a conversation about anything that was bothering one of us. We would hold on to it and let it build resentment – it was how we coped with the fear. This is SO much better and I love being in this place with my husband. I love him and where we are emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

This journey we are on is a lot about experimenting and trying new things. Some things we find we love, some things are like eh it’s ok and still others we find are hell no’s. In all of the things we explore and try we ALWAYS have this “if anything isn’t working or feels uncomfortable,” thing where we are to say, right away, so that no one gets hurt, our play doesn’t get spoiled and we don’t have any chance for resentment.

I have very much enjoyed our play time with friends, other couples, subby boys, chaste boys etc. These play times include things like email, texting, pics and video. I’ve loved every minute of arousing other people and getting aroused and then taking it out on cagedmonkey hehe. 🙂

I suppose there comes a time when you unexpectedly run into something you had no idea was a “hell no.” Recently, over the course of about a week, we were enjoying some play time with friends and this happened to me. I started to feel off and had absolutely no idea what it was. I started to withdraw, get depressed and certainly wasn’t feeling all that horny. To make matters worse, when I get stressed, depressed or have emotional issues the first thing to happen is an extreme physical reaction. I was in some intense body pain and cried because I hurt so bad. I was having trouble walking and getting up and down the stairs and just trouble trying to function. But, here I was, dumbfounded as to why the hell this was happening to me.

Cagedmonkey knows me so well that he could tell something was wrong. He’d asked me over and over multiple times a day for a few days how I was feeling. I just answered “I’m fine.” I wasn’t lying, I thought I was fine. I mean, we were having so much fun playing with friends and enjoying some sexy sex time and all that… hell I’m the one who initiated most of the play and asked for it. It was stuff to help me tease the hell out of my locked up, denied boy. Apparently, something underneath it all was eating away at me. It’s times like those that I’m so blessed with an amazing attentive boy who is so in tune with me. He makes me so happy and I just dearly love him.

Now that I can think back to when I started to physically feel like crap, I realized it was about the time cagedmonkey had gotten into a role play situation with one of our friends. It wasn’t until last night when I had a break down and talked it out with hubby that we were able to get to the root of it. Basically we found that role play that involves cagedmonkey and a woman other than myself is something that I am not ok with. We found a “hard no” for me.

Over all this was a good thing, a learning experience. Basically with experimenting comes trial and error and I thought I was ok with anything. But, Oh boy, did I find out that, even imagining, my man with another woman was NOT something I could handle. It is something that I have now learned I need a boundary for.

See, with play stuff between cagedmonkey and I, we have boundaries and now I need to make sure that play stuff with others has boundaries as well. This whole situation is the perfect example of why communication is so important in a relationship. Not only a chastity relationship or BDSM or D/s but any relationship.

Have you asked your partner how they’re feeling today?

In a way men have it easy when it comes to emotions… they are simple minded and I definitely mean that as a compliment. It’s so complicated being a woman and being emotionally and hormonally driven. Women have to over-think everything and talk the hell out of something. Many times a guy just takes things as they are and goes with it and accepts it… they aren’t sitting there reading into or analyzing this, that or the other thing. It’s so annoying sometimes being a woman.

I’m guilty of this as I’m sure a few women are:
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We have to go an over think things and create stuff in our heads we’re getting upset over when there was nothing even remotely close to that to begin with. Really, he just hit a couple extra traffic lights on the way home, chill out!

Let’s think of it this way, a wife does something that hurts her husband. She realizes she was hurtful, apologizes, he accepts the apology and he never thinks of it again. Done, overwith in his mind, yay!

Now, a guy does something that hurts his wife. Remember a woman is emotionally and hormonally charged, so her husband may realize his part in it and apologize, great! Yeah it’s not over yet! A woman may continue to analyze, relive it over and over again in her head and try to figure it out. It lingers there, eating away at her unless every angle her mind is coming up with is addressed.
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So I made this analogy the other day to describe the way a wife’s mind may handle a situation. Yeah, I can get confusing sometimes but hopefully you get my point here. This comes out of my mouth much better in conversation. Ok I imagine you have an area rug over your hardwood floor. The “something” that was done is sitting there on top. An apology busts it into a bunch of pieces, yay! Now all we need to do is get a garbage bag and pick everything we can up off the rug. The mess is cleaned up, right?

NOT!

As a woman we know there are smaller bits that couldn’t get picked up by hand and they are then swept under that rug. We know, over time, that walking on that rug will eventually move those bits out from under the rug… great more of the same shit needs to be cleaned up. Some women are able to communicate that these feelings of hurt are creeping back up again to bother her and a husband can then apologize again or reassure her. Fantastic, now we’ve gotten out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up those remaining bits. Now it’s done, right?

NOT!

Now using the vacuum has sucked up those left over tiny bits that were swept under the rug but in the meantime has spread microscopic dust particles of hurt into the air. What will eventually happen over time is every so often a dust particle will land on a woman’s emotions. It will give that twinge of hurt again. So you see, that one hurt can linger for a woman until you’ve gotten out the air purifier and rid her of every single dust particle.

A hurt women will need to be told and shown, likely multiple times over a period of time, that her hubby is sorry for the same transgression. A woman will likely need to be reminded of how sorry her hubby is for that hurt. Look at it this way… if you manage to get through the vacuuming it’s a hubby’s job to then keep spraying the Endust or Pledge to keep the dust from settling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… don’t hurt your wife because it’s a hell of a lot more work and time to “apologize” than its worth. One single hurt can turn into years of this roller coaster. Some couples never make it back to the station together, they unbuckle their lap belts and just jump out. Or, if they do make it back, they hold onto those screams that should have come out on the loop-the-loop and they turn into resentment… then have you really made it back at all?

Remember, if you hurt your wife, you’ve just gotten on one hell of a roller coaster ride and because she’s worth it (or you probably wouldn’t have married her) you’ll hold on for dear life and do everything she needs to purify the air.

***please note: I’m not a professional, my ramblings do not necessarily represent every woman or situation… it’s just my opinion and experience as a woman and knowing women.