All posts tagged anxiety

Recently I’ve noticed I have been feeling off and unsettled about our tease and torture and our D/s side of things because there isn’t much. I feel so busy lately and unorganized because, even after a month here, the OCD side of me is uneasy. Things aren’t just where I want them, days don’t go exactly as planned… I admit I’m a control freak and I feel like all the little things added up mean I have no control. It’s weird, I know, but there is so much I want to accomplish and so much I’d like to do – in regular vanilla life as well as our sexual, kinky, intimate one but I never seem to have enough time to do it.

Flipping our schedule around after soooooo many years is a lot harder to adjust to and still, things are changing! We recently found out that homeschool kids here in our new state are allowed to take a couple classes in the public school and that the school offers homeschool kids all the curriculum and textbooks, etc that the kids are using in public school. So we have begun looking into getting our daughter into a couple classes a day at school so I could have an hour or so to myself on weekdays. I’ve actually considered the fact that she may do well and like it and want to actually try going full days at some point… Which has me thinking stupid and emotional for all kinds of dumb reasons. I’m excited that that might happen but scared and anxious over it too.

All of these things with kids activities (it’s our son’s team won their 2nd round of playoffs for football today! They are off to the Superbowl!), school, errands and all that has left me with little time to get the rest of the boxes unpacked or taken over to our storage unit. Which I just got the other day because there is no storage here at the house and we can’t even get in our closets because we’ve tried to pack everything in there. Let alone having room to set up and use our sex toys! Haha

That’s been another struggle. I have no room to set things up which, with the little time we have, needs to be done before we can play. We don’t have time to set things up at night when we want to use them and then play and put it away after, etc. Anyway, excuses excuses! I really want to get our room set up in a better way, get the boxes and bins of decorations and stuff put away so we have room to actually play. I want to get a rug for the floor so we are able to set up the stockade. Really, can you see my dilemma? There is so much I want to do and so little time to get things done. Which is why I actually think having my daughter gone for an hour or so a day might be good so that I can do some of the things I want to do.

With all of this stuff I want to get done and feeling like I never have time for any of it, I find myself doubting my ability. Doubting if I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good teacher, etc. I start getting anxious and worrying if I’m keeping my hubby satisfied. Does he know how much I love and adore him and that I find him incredibly sexy? I start to worry if I’m teasing him enough, if I am good enough for him, pretty enough for him, sexy enough for him. My mind races and races in 90 directions of stupid. When I’m not in control, I worry and I am not liking the ups and downs and changes and the lack of flow!

Another note for you all is that we found we really like it here and we have talked about and started looking into sticking in some roots. That means we put the wheels in motion to either buy or build a house! That in itself is scary and exciting!

Ok I think I’ve caught you guys up on my anxiety and my crazy and what’s going on in our lives!

How are you all doing these days?

When I woke up this morning I never expected my day to go so bad. I started my day and as I went along I could feel my chest and throat felt tight. I could breathe but swallowing felt really tight. My chest and ribs also had this sensation of vibrating, jittery and shaking inside. My brain was so foggy I was having trouble thinking and focusing. As the day went on my chest and throat got tighter and the shaking in my chest was really strong. I even texted Mistress Marie to chat about my anxiety and that helped it for a little bit but it didn’t hold out.

My anxiety was in high gear. I’ve been stressed out with packing the house, I was becoming depressed and full of anxiety, worry and fear. Fear that I’ll never get it all packed up and ready to go when the truck is here to be loaded. The anxiety has been hanging around for a couple days now but today it really peaked and feeling my anxiety physically like that pushed me into a full on panic attack. I was having trouble breathing, my hands started shaking, I couldn’t think. I felt numb in that moment. I knew the feeling I was having, the feeling of my throat closing, that super tight chest that really makes you feel like your having a heart attack, so strong that it makes me nauseous. I knew it was a panic attack.
I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t do this alone. So, not too alarm the kids I quietly got up, went to the kitchen to find my anti-anxiety meds and took one. Then I calmly walked down the hallway and woke hubby. The second he looked at me he knew something was wrong. I simply and very quietly asked him “could you please get up early and take care of the kids, I’m having a panic attack. I just took meds and just need to lay down.” Before getting up he just held me as my body shook and I cried in his arms.

Cagedmonkey has been through this with me before – when I didn’t know what they were. I used to have them often. It has been probably 11 years since I’ve had this kind of panic attack. We knew how to get me grounded again and let the meds kick in. I’m so incredibly blessed to have a hubby who loves me even though I’m broken. I’m not without imperfections but he doesn’t even see them and in fact loves me for them. Today I took a healthy step in going to him and asking for help. It’s not something I would have done before, I would have held it in and tried dealing with it on my own. I would have fallen into a deep depression. I love that we have a love and a trust with one another that we can come to each other with this kind of stuff and any kind of stuff.

Today I thank God for an amazing husband who is my hero. Thank you baby for being my strength when I’m weak.

Last night cagedmonkey and I had a little alone, adult time together. I would get into describing it but I’ll leave that to him since it focuses on me dominating him for the most part. It’s probably better that you experience that part from the receiver.

As for me, while I enjoyed last night’s acute intensity very much, I’m experiencing what I would consider one of my most severe episodes of Domme Drop (regarding length). I’ve talked about this before in previous posts and even described it here. It really is no fun. I actually have been doing very well with things and haven’t had too many episodes of drop recently and when I anticipated one I would use my anxiety meds (as decided with the help of a doctor) to combat the effects just prior to them happening. Also, since you know me and I think communication is huge, hubby and I talk about it and he helps greatly during a drop.

I really had no thoughts, with the very short time that we got to spend together, that I would even have any drop. I found out very quickly after cagedmonkey went to work that the drop, no matter how much time is spent during an intense scene, can and will happen.

The part that makes a drop hard for me is the roller coaster feeling. I’ll be fine one minute and the next my eyes well up with tears or I’m feeling anxious. I realized a lot of the feelings last night were questions, worries if you will, about cagedmonkey’s experience. I think the time drop hits me the most is when we have an intense scene and right after that hubby has to go to work. Then he gets home at 7am and it’s breakfast time for the kids and he’s gotta get to bed. There is no time to talk about the events that took place, no time to hear that he liked or disliked something, no “thank you ma’am” for dominating me, for spanking my ass or any of that. We just don’t get that time together to give me the feedback I apparently desperately need.

That’s what it is, I realized, during the scene I’m not getting much feedback because he is enduring what I’m dishing out (spanking, assplay, teasing, breath play etc) and it’s what I need afterwards. I need to know how he feels about what happened. I need to know that it was ok, that he is ok and they I don’t need to feel guilty. When it’s a rush after to get him off to work and we don’t even discuss the scene – like it didn’t happen – I begin to worry. Did he like it? Did it feel good? Was it hot for him? Did he like feeling me take what I wanted from him? Did he like me using his body to do as I please? The questions race through my head causing the ripples of anxiety. The anxiety causes my emotional down. The feelings of sadness, worry and probably even some shame need to be squashed out by the communication and feedback after a scene. It’s like I have said before even a Domme can need “aftercare.”

I wonder, do other Dommes or Tops who experience drop feel that the feedback helps them?

Being sick for this long has really taken a toll on this Keyholder. I haven’t had that physical connection with cagedmonkey since Saturday. I mean we’ve tried but how long can you actually kiss with a stuffy nose before gasping for air? We’ve tried to be touchy feely and while that feels good I’m dealing with a tummy getting nauseous at the same time. My nose is all sore from blowing it constantly and my lips are all chapped. It’s really sexy, I tell ya.

I feel like my confidence has taken a hit in all of this as well. Usually, daily, I’m seeing or feeling a reaction to my aggression/dominance but since we’ve been sick there really hasn’t been any. We’ve haven’t felt like teasing really or anything like that in the past few days either.

Last night I was feeling some pretty yucky anxiety. Cagedmonkey, being sick, has been home from work more nights this week than normal. I usually have a little trouble on his first night back to work after being off, anyway, but last night got me particularly hard. I guess I should have prepared myself better for him going but I didn’t. So yeah, I had him get on his knees in front of me and hold me while I told him I was having a hard time. Cagedmonkey knows me very well after all these years and knows what I need to help me through.

Maybe this all sounds lame to some and not very becoming of a big bad ass Keyholder but it’s reality. I’m a little nutty and insecure sometimes and I’m just glad my subby hubby loves me and cares enough to give me what I need to push through and regain my composure and confidence.

Ya see, all that wonderful love he showed last night really helped when he got home from work this morning. I went up to tuck him in and unlocked his cage to release the sexiness within. He’s still not allowed to touch himself until my birthday, in a week and a half, so I put him in the bondage mittens. I had him get on his side and I spooned him and gave him quite the mind fucking while stroking his cock. Telling him all the things I could force him to do. Making him watch as I was fondling his cock and stroking him, something he hasn’t done in 16 days. I just love feeling that big thick hard cock in my hand. I had him so extremely turned on that he gushed precum onto my hand. I really enjoy getting him to that point.

One of the things that really got a good reaction out of him was when I told him how I could spoon him while wearing the strap-on. I explained in a sexy whisper how I could hold his cock in my hand and the only way he would be stroked was if he would push back against me. He would basically have to penetrate and violate himself to get any pleasure for his cock. What a dilemma! Such a humiliating thing to do just to feel that stroke on his shaft!

Hehe that really got him breathing heavy and moaning slightly. He even started to buck against me a bit too. I really think he liked the idea of being forced to do something he hated if he wanted any pleasure.

Such fun in teasing the mind. I’m also happy to feel myself getting back into the groove, so to speak.