Yesterday I started to feel a bit depressed and I couldn’t exactly put a finger on the specific thing that was making me feel down. I do know that it hit me quick and hit me kinda hard. One of the crappy things about being so in tune with my mental state (I’ve got way too many years of therapy to thank for that) is that I FEEL my depression kick in almost immediately. I feel my body change and my thoughts change. Yes, it’s an AWESOME thing that I can now do that because I can get right on top of it and work out the problem before I spiral out of control down into a deep hole. So, I knew something was wrong after cagedmonkey came home and asked “do you think I could get out and maybe sleep more comfortably?” For some reason that really got to me.
When I got up yesterday morning and was texting with CM on his way home from work, I was excited about maybe putting him in the bondage sack and depriving him good sleep and just tormenting him all day. It was exciting to think about all the things I wanted to do to tease him and drive him crazy. After all, I had spent the night before sending him pics and video of me getting off with my wand. It really seemed to drive him nuts.
After he got home and asked me to get out in such a non-urgent way it just gave me this feeling that he wasn’t even horny. I felt like he wasn’t aching to get out and that all the teasing and stuff I’d been doing wasn’t frustrating him at all. I LOVE to see his frustration, to hear him beg, to know that what I’m doing is making him bonkers. I mentioned to him that I thought he should unlock and masturbate because he didnt seem all that submissive to me. I felt like maybe he was just bored and done playing my game. This apparently confused him because in his mind he was feeling very submissive – I just wasnt seeing it outwardly. This is where the wonderful communication in a relationship comes in.
Our conversation was through text messages because of the kids, it went like this:
CM: I’m sorry you feel as though my desire to be dominated is gone…. I don’t know what is causing these thoughts, but it’s not true…. I love being controlled by you, being kept by you, being yours and only yours all day every day…. Is it possible that you are questioning your own level of passion for this? Could it be that you are projecting – instead of me not being as submissive as you like, in fact you are not being as dominant as you want to be? Not trying to blame you, I promise, just trying to figure out what the deal is.
LM: I don’t feel like I have any loss of passion… At the moment I don’t feel submission and maybe it is my fault maybe I’m not being dominant enough, maybe I’m not intense enough… I’m just feeling inadequate.
CM: I don’t feel that’s true. I’m enjoying everything about us.
Would you like me to stop “asking out”? Is that me taking too much power from you?
LM: I don’t know what I want… I want to feel like you NEED desperately to be out and that’s why your asking and not feel like it’s a “hey yeah, I was thinking I could sleep comfortably” thing… Maybe what I need is to keep you locked up a little extended and tease you to tears. Maybe it was just that whole situation made it feel weird… Maybe I need to hear some me and you fantasies too. Not stockade, fucking machine, girlie play partner, abandonment fantasies but you and me fantasies from you. To feel like there is still this dynamic in your mind between us and that all that other stuff isn’t necessary. I dunno, I guess sometimes I feel like I’m competing with the bigger fantasies and maybe I won’t live up to those.
CM: I don’t “fantasize” about us too much because it’s already real and I love it! Maybe I’ve gotten too much into the “don’t expect anything” mentality, but I haven’t shared too much only because I don’t want to push you or affect you, etc… I was really hoping you’d follow through with your “sleep sack” idea today. It’s been a while since you’ve done any full bondage/teasing type stuff…. I didn’t want to push too hard and mention it/ask for it because that’s not what I do anymore. We’ve had a lot of “starter” moments lately – like the other day when you were stimulating pegging me on the bed, etc – but not a lot of times where we’ve actually played together. I figured you were getting back into it on your own pace, so I didn’t want to pressure you.
LM: I guess I at least want to know that you think about and desire things between us… it’s not about asking because I like that you don’t ask or push me or annoy me to do things… but telling me “oh I was thinking, last night, about that time when you tied me to the bed….” or “I dreamed about us laying together and I realized you had tied me down and you were masturbating next to me and I couldn’t move to help or touch you or even look at you” etc. Knowing that you think about me sexually, that you remember those times makes me want to recreate them or do something similar… it let’s me know that I did something good and you liked it and you want it again. It’s not you asking when you are reminiscing – even if you wrote about it on the blog – how “that one time” felt, how you loved it, what you loved, that you’d love it again… stuff like that. Being “caught up” in something we did – not obsessing but the “wow, ugh, awesomeness, frustration” and reminiscing – that’s a good word to describe it… not getting stuck in a moment or on something we did but being caught up in it just enough to show me “fuck that was awesome can we do it again?”
CM: I will try harder to find that “middle ground.”
LM: Btw we’ve had those moments but then the playtime is lost and, today… I just felt blah after this morning and my oomph for the sleep sack drifted quickly and I had this why bother feeling… like it wouldn’t matter if I did because I’m not good enough anyway.
CM: I’m sorry I haven’t been giving you what you need.
LM: I don’t think it’s that YOU haven’t been giving me what I need… I just think I’m figuring it out, right now, talking to you… that sometimes (obviously not all the time!) I need to know what I’m doing is good and appreciated and wanted and desired. Maybe I’m completely wrong and I just suck.
CM: You don’t suck, I wish you sucked more, tbh 😉
On my penis
My achy needy penis
Ok, ok you can see where that conversation led after that. Having that conversation actually catapulted us into an extremely frustratingly horny day. I was sopping wet all day while we were sexting and sneaking playful moments here and there when the kids were busy. It was wonderful to talk about all the naughty, playful, kinky things we do again. I’ve missed hearing how tight his cage feels or how what I’m doing is effecting him. I think we got to a point where it just felt so normal to horny all the time and he must have figured I knew he was horny, so why tell me. Well… telling me fuels me, keeps me going and makes me eager to push the intensity level. I really am just figuring this out and I’m so happy that my marriage is in a different place now. Two years ago, we’d never mention sex, let alone have a conversation about anything that was bothering one of us. We would hold on to it and let it build resentment – it was how we coped with the fear. This is SO much better and I love being in this place with my husband. I love him and where we are emotionally, spiritually and sexually.