Advice

Girltoy wrote us the following email:

On the photos I have seen, cagemonkey is wearing the same cage as I do. Mine fits perfectly and it feels very good wearing it.

But the cage is slowly sliding down…

…I never have pain, the balls are never blue. But it looks silly when only half the cock is wrapped by the tube and the cage is hanging on the limp cock like a bell. 😉

Do you have any suggestions?

I find I have the same problem from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if having a base ring just the tiniest bit smaller would cut down on these types of things (and, incidentally, cut down on the amount of “rooty-ness” I experience). The problem is that if I were to get a smaller ring, my balls wouldn’t be able to squeeze through, even when they aren’t swollen and filled with weeks worth of cum… trust me, I’ve tried.

My suggestion would be the simplest solution of all: don’t worry about it.

If your cage fits well and feels comfortable, you don’t really have to change anything at all. You don’t want to mess with a good thing, and it’s hard enough to get your cage fitted well as yours is. When it comes down to it, looks are a luxury but comfort is a necessity.

In fact, here’s a little behind-the-scenes secret: my cage slips down often, just like yours does. I just make it look good for pictures. Check out these pictures that I took just seconds apart:

At any given moment of the day, my cage could be nice and snug or hanging a few inches down low. I just make sure to adjust myself if I’m going to take a picture. 

So my suggestion is to just keep going with what you got. As long as the cage isn’t slipping off, and not causing and pain or skin irritations, I’d say that you’re good to go!

We’ve written before about how we live a certain lifestyle and it’s not always easy meeting other people who are like minded. I mean you can’t just walk up to someone at church and be like “Hey, are you a kinky fucker, too?” Though that would be kind of funny, it would also be totally inappropriate in that situation. It’s not like people walk around wearing at T-shirt advertising their style of kink like they would their favorite sports team. Being kinky or living an alternative lifestyle, such as having an open Relationship or enjoying others together in your relationship isn’t something you can generally bring up in just any conversation.

So… How CAN you find other people who are into something not so mainstream? There are a few different ways to do this. Recently, cagedmonkey and I were introduced to a website called SwingTowns.com and it’s definitely a place where you can meet real, local people in your area for free, who are into kink and other fetish-type things. It seems like such a wonderful place for kinksters. If you are a Mistress or Master seeking a slave or vice versa, this is the place for you. Their Fetish community is full of open-minded singles, couples and groups. You’ll find men and women looking for erotic BDSM, bondage and fetish play (in addition to the submissive and Domme roles). Not only is it a site to meet other kinky fuckers, they also have a great blog with awesome information-filled articles. The articles cover so many different subjects and if you check it out you’ll notice some pretty popular bloggers who contribute. (Wink, wink) Now, there is always Fetlife, or collarspace, or even the BDSM reddits but one of the best ways is to just get out there and met people at your local munch.

Just today, I was asked how we get so lucky meeting all these new kinky friends and play partners. Really, we aren’t lucky! We’ve just gone to munches and met people, in real life, who we can talk about the everyday stuff with or have over hanging out on the back patio while teaching a newbie how to use a paddle the correct way. Sometimes it takes breaking out of that comfort zone and just facing your fears… What are you afraid anyway?

St writes:

I read a 3 year old post “The Ring’s the Thing”… and you mentioned that you switched back to the regular ring, because the anatomical one started to feel uncomfortable. I would love to read an update regarding this matter, please. I’m thinking of buying the Revenge, but i can’t decide which ring to choose.

Click here for the post that St is referring to.

It kinda surprised me when I found the anatomical ring to be less comfortable than the standard round one for the Revenge. I had heard good things about the anatomical ring from others, and also it’s designed specifically for comfort. So you’d think it would be the best choice, but it wasn’t for me.

But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the best choice for everyone.

Stay with me…

Just like I wrote in this post about trying out the double ring, the comfort of the base ring is really up to the wearer. Some guys will find the anatomical ring to be a better fit than the standard one; some guys may feel better in an oval ring, while others stick with the round design. You really need to try it to see if it works for you. Just make sure you don’t end up forcing it just because someone else says it’s “the best.”

On the other hand, I do recommend getting the integrated lock option that is available on all of the Steelworxx designs!

I get asked this a lot: what does it feel like to wear a chastity device? Does it always feel weird? Does it ever get comfortable? How is it possible to live a normal life when your cock and balls are locked into a steel cage?

Well, it’s sort of like any other new thing: it takes some getting used to, but it becomes normal after a while. It’s almost like a piece of jewelry that you need to get used to wearing… except that it’s padlocked to your junk.

I remember when ML and I first got married, I was very much aware of my wedding ring when I was wearing it. I’d play with it, fiddle with it, and I could feel it between my fingers. I wasn’t used to it, so it felt really weird. But now, after more than 13 years of marriage, wearing it is more normal to me than not wearing it is.

Obviously, I haven’t been wearing the chastity cage for 13 years (although, sometimes, it seems like it’s that long between erections!). But I have been wearing it for a decent amount of time – it’s getting close to 4 years of being in chastity, going to work wearing my device, sleeping with it on, etc. It’s part of my normal routine now.

In fact, it feels different now when I’m not wearing it rather than when I am. Now, I’m surprised when I reach down to adjust myself and I don’t feel the hard steel of the Jailbird. I’m reflexively careful when I wrestle or snuggle with the kids, automatically trying to avoid an awkward explanation. Sometimes I even surprise myself when I go to use the bathroom and I find myself uncaged, completely forgetting that My Lady had unlocked me earlier that day. I’m just so used to being in chastity for ML, I hardly ever give it a second thought.

That’s not to say that wearing the chastity cage is always as comfortable as can be. There are times when I get so hard and full in the cage that it’s almost painful. Sometimes I get woken up in the middle of the night by my cock fighting a losing battle against the steel bars locked around it, and the only way I can get back to sleep is by reading or playing games on my phone until my cock calms down.


See how badly I’m bulging against the bars in that pic… doesn’t look all that comfortable, does it? Honestly, it’s not… but it really is worth it. It’s worth the time getting used to it in order to wear the cage for My Lady, to be able to be locked and kept for her. It doesn’t start out natural, but it becomes natural.

Ugh… NO!!!

I recently got, yet another, email about locking up a guy. I get them pretty often but just about every time I get one, I need to respond with something along the lines of you can’t just lock up a guys cock and throw away the key. I do want to mention, I know there could be a guy or two out there that does actually want to be locked up, have the key thrown away and their dick completely unused and forgotten about. As a matter of fact, I have such a boy, who’s key I hold, that enjoys the fact that there is nothing he can do or say to get his key back or get his cock unlocked… ever. There is really no use for his puny little cock. That is something that is few and far between and even in his circumstance, I STILL keep him mentally teased and reminded of his predicament every so often.

Male chastity with a spouse or partner, however, is usually not about not having sex or not having to “deal” with your guy once he’s locked up. If anything, it might be more work when you’ve got someone under lock and key. I’ve written about this plenty of times and I’ve even done a podcast on it. When you get a guy to give up control of his most intimate parts, he’s also giving you an incredible amount of trust. He’s trusting that you won’t lock up his dick and forget about it. He needs to know that you enjoy having him locked up as much as he enjoys being locked up for you. He may have a constant physical reminder of who owns his cock but there definitely needs to be some consistent mental reminders. Especially those amazing mindfucks that cause him to press and struggle against the cage, aching to be released. 

I really can’t stress enough about how important it is to give attention to the one you control. Your words, alone, can have a huge impact on how their time in chastity will be. When I say you need to give attention, I’m not necessarily talking about constant physical attention. I do think there needs to be some of that as well but, more than that, the mental side of things will certainly keep your guy from getting lonely. One of the most important things to remember, when locking up a guy, is that it’s going to be work. You do not want them getting lonely and feeling sexually forgotten about. I’m pretty sure I even have a blog post here with lots of ideas of how to keep your guy mentally mindfucked and well teased while locked up. Look around a bit.

I talk with a lot of submissive guys and girls, and they contact to me for a variety of reasons. I enjoy each and every one of them, but if I’m being completely honest, some of the submissives I talk with could easily be tagged with the description “strong-willed.” I know these subs can be difficult to Dom/me at times. I secretly enjoy, just a little bit, the determination these subs have. Yes, they can be stubborn and difficult, and they will state their cases whenever they can, but they certainly have passion. Strong-willed submissives can be exhausting, that’s for sure. But they also tend to grow into very obedient people with the right direction. When they learn to channel that determination, they take healthy risks — they learn to work through failure and keep trying. There’s a lot to love about strong willed submissives, us Dominants just need to learn how to survive them.

I thought I would take a few minutes to talk about some things that may be helpful for a Dom/me when they find they have themselves a strong-willed submissive!

Strong-willed subs are known for their power struggles. If they find an opening, they pounce. Routines and rules provide a great foundation (they take some of the guesswork out of the day), but they can be particularly helpful for strong-willed submissives. Try not to go nuts and overwhelm them with hundreds of rules and expectations. You can’t avoid every possible power struggle along the way, but a list of rules and expectations can help avoid some of the daily power struggles that wear on your nerves.

Strong-willed subs are often doers by default. If it seems like your submissive is always learning the hard way, that’s because he/she probably learns best by trial and error. Strong-willed subs have big ideas, and they may prefer to test their ideas or try telling you about them – this may seem like topping from the bottom but it can be done correctly using communication. If your sub follows the rules (ie: you must tell me any and all fantasies without assumption that they will be fulfilled), is there really any harm in letting them tell you about their fantasies? I find that many power struggles emerge between strong-willed subs and their partners because the subs have very strong opinions, and they tend to stick to them. You do have to set realistic rules and expectations, and you do have to follow through on those.

It’s extremely important to listen carefully.
Given that tenacious submissives tend to have a lot of very strong opinions and prefer to share those opinions often, Dom/mes can start ignoring them at times. It can be exhausting, and sometimes you just don’t want to debate why your rules are your rules. It’s important to listen. Sharing their ideas and opinions is how strong-willed subs work through things. If they appear stubborn at times, it’s because they have strong beliefs and integrity. They want to share that with you. Listen to your submissive and empathize. Help them channel that stubbornness into a positive. So your sub really wants to be dressed in certain types of clothing? Teach them how to research the pros and cons and engage in a healthy give-and-take on the matter instead of simply stating their need over and over again. No one likes whining and nagging. They might not get to wear those frilly pink panties, because it’s not something you are into, but at least they will feel heard and learn some important communication skills in the process. This is also an opportunity for a Dominant partner to compromise and even if you aren’t into a specific kink they are maybe you can negotiate a way to help fulfill that desire for them. Perhaps you don’t like them wearing feminine clothing but know they would like to try it… so you require them to wear them under their clothing whenever they are not around you. It’s a great reminder of who is in control… taps into their kink and doesn’t bother you in the least! 🙂

One of the things I find we need to ask ourselves is:
Are you being an intentional Dominant?
I like to think of being a Dominant in three ways:

Automatic: the stuff you do constantly and without thinking, like letting them know you are thinking about them, teasing them mentally and sexually, making sure they have and are following rules, praising behavior, etc.

Reactive: providing discipline and correcting behavior, giving after-care, fulfilling fantasies

Proactive: the stuff you really think about and plan ahead for, like an intense bondage, pegging or spanking scene.

Now ask yourself and be honest: How much time do you spend a week on proactive stuff — like really thinking about what it is you want your submissive to experience, and then putting together a plan to make it happen? That’s the first step to becoming a more intentional Dom/me.

The next thing to think about is focus. How often are we giving our subs our full and undivided attention? Do we listen to their fantasies with our whole heart? Do we set aside specific times each day to be fully and intentionally present?

With a new year comes new year’s resolutions… although I really don’t believe in the concept. Why do you have to wait until the next year to make a change in your life? Why not start now? What good is waiting for an arbitrary date to pass to start improving yourself?

What was I talking about?

Ok, so anyways…

Independent of New Years, I have decided to eat a little better and try to get myself in shape. After all, I am getting older; if there is a time to get in shape, it’s now. ML is helping me with a meal plan and an exercise routine, as well. There is one part of me, however, that has gotten out of shape and diet or gym workout will help me with.

Simply put, my cum muscles have gotten weak.

Contrary to how it may seem, ML likes to see me cum – you’d think that a woman who keeps her husband in chastity and controls his orgasms wouldn’t be all that concerned with it, but she really does like it. She likes to pump it out of me, knowing that she got me so horny and so turned on for it to happen. I, of course, like it as well – because it happens so infrequently, the sight of my cock squirting cum all over ML’s boobs/ass/wherever she allows me to is a beautiful thing.

Unfortunately, since we have begun our chastity and orgasm denial lifestyle, the force of my orgasms have gradually declined. What was once a forceful spurt has slowly weakened over time to just a tiny dribble. My orgasms themselves are still intense; sometimes as intense as ever, depending on the teasing and/or lead-up to it. It’s just the physical reaction that has subsided.

At first, I was worried that it was a volume problem, but I don’t think that’s the case. Drinking lots and lots of water does help, but I’ve found that there isn’t an actual decrease in volume; after my orgasm, there is plenty of cum that drips out of my cock (or that ML squeezes out with her talented fingers). The cum is there, I’m just not strong enough to shoot it out.

Although I could go ahead and use the “well, my cock is so damn huge that it’s too far for the cum to travel” excuse, I’d rather be realistic and see the problem for what it is: my cum muscles have weakened with orgasm denial. To be honest, this isn’t all that surprising; you may remember recently that I went over 3/4 of a year without using those muscles. Imagine if you sat in a wheelchair for 9 months, then you tried to go out and run the 100 meter dash… that’s kind of the situation I’m up against.

So, the solution is strength reconditoning. There are no cum muscle rehab programs that I am aware of, and as much as I would like ML to put me on an “orgasm exercise regimen,” I would seriously miss the teasing and orgasm denial. What I need is a plan that works for us. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1) PC muscle exercises when locked (or unlocked). For the unsciencey readers out there, the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles are the muscles that make you ejaculate (sort of… please don’t flood the comments section with Wikipedia proving I’m wrong, I’m going for simplicity here). You squeeze these muscles when you act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing (again, simplicity). These are the muscles that have gotten weak for me. I have been doing these exercises, but not regularly enough to make an impact.

2) More frequent edging and/or ruined orgasms when unlocked. I can’t believe I’m actually asking for this, but it’s true: although PC muscles are a good exercise, the most effective one would probably be frequent regular orgasms. That’s most likely not happening any time soon, so I’m guessing the next best thing would be more edges or ruined orgasms. The muscles aren’t utilized as they would be in a full-on cum, but it’s better than nothing.

I really would like to improve this situation. It would be pretty interesting for ML to tease me during long denial periods with videos of my own cock shooting cum all over her gorgeous titties. I have a lot of work to do to get there, but it’s an excellent goal to visualize. 🙂

I often get asked by submissive (guys mostly) if I think they are doing a good job at pleasing their Mistress/Dominant partner. I honestly have to tell them, “I don’t know!” They will describe the things they do and they certainly seem pleasing to me. I even get asked for ideas on how to please their Mistress… that is the most difficult question because I am not their Dominant and everyone on this planet (and I assume on other planets lol) is different and what is pleasing to one person may not be pleasing to another – the most important thing here is communication. That’s what I’m talking about here, click to have a listen to my latest raw, unscripted Podcast.

As I said in my podcast here are a couple links to some posts I think would be helpful.

Praise & Reassurance

It’s the Little Things

A Little Tease Here, A Little Tease There

Tease Techniques

I’m sure there are other posts here, over the past almost 3 years that would be helpful. Feel free to use the search bar at the top right of the page and hopefully you can find something that will help you along on your journey. If not, send me a message and let’s chat! Thanks again for reading and listening and I look forward to hearing your thoughts so please feel free to comment!

Do you know anything about the Gorean lifestyle and/or kajira? I recently had a long time friend confide in me that she was into this lifestyle. I don’t know much about it but from what I gather (this is very little reading and listening to her) it is very similar to a Master/slave relationship in the bdsm world. Rules to follow, she is the masters property and is not allowed to question, etc. Over the past few days we’ve been chatting about this and it seems she’s been a very very good girl. I would be so proud if she were my submissive! She’s very obedient and devoted.

Anyway, the reason I’m writing this post is to reach out to ask if my readers, their friends and anyone else you might know to give this poor girl some advice. She is a kajira in distress and is spiraling down fast. Here is her story – if you have questions, please ask and I will get answers!

I’m a kajira. I met a gorean Master online. He started training me, as I was brand new. I was also going through a divorce. I followed every rule I was given and He is a very dominant man. Everything was decided by Him. He told me that there would come a time He would need to leave me alone for a while, that after the divorce I would need that time, it was for the best. Last I heard from Him was January 16 and now His email no longer works, as of yesterday. I’m lost, sick to my stomach. I’ve remained devoted and faithful, following every rule. have I been abandoned? He would post how much He hated hearing about a kajira being abandoned, but I wasn’t collared yet. Before He stopped communicating, He’d told me He’d picked out my collar that I would wear the rest of my life. I fell in love with this man. Now I feel broken.

Ladies and gents, I need some serious help for this girl. She hasn’t heard from her Master in almost 6 months. Has she been abandoned? Does she give up waiting to see if he will again contact her? She’s so devoted and faithful to the lifestyle that she has continued to follow her rules and report to him and even continued to ask permission for everything – all without response from him all these months. She is not allowed to speak to other men (to ask another Master for advice), according to her rules, unless they are approved by her Master, but does she even have a Master anymore? She desperately needs advice! Please, I am asking you for help and for you to share this post to help this girl. She is one of my best friends and she trusted me with telling me about her living this lifestyle.

When I started wearing a chastity device, it took me a little bit to get used to it. Eventually I adjusted, and it was quite comfortable. But when ML and I tried to do any type of long term wear, I would start to get itchy, no matter how often I kept things clean. It soon became clear that I had to get my pubic hair situation under control.

I will freely admit that I was scared of shaving my balls – I don’t even use a blade razor on my face! So my first thought was to find some sort of hair-removal cream… no dice – those types of creams are way too harsh for the sensitive skin down there. ML and I tried waxing… yeah, never doing that again, because obvious reasons.

So it was shaving, or nothing. So I tried it out, and it worked out pretty well. The most surprising thing was that My Lady found my shaved cock and balls to be unbelievably sexy! She loves the hair on the rest of my body, so I figured she wouldn’t enjoy seeing me shaved like that. It ended up being the opposite – note, she wouldn’t have me any other way!

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Gotta admit, I like the way it looks, too.

Solving one problem brought up another – razor burn. As if the skin wasn’t sensitive enough, having a chastity cage rubbing up against my freshly shaved balls caused quite a bit of discomfort. ML and I tried a number of different lotions, but nothing seemed to work. But recently we found something that works great: Pure Romance Skin Therapy!

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Apologies for burying the lede.

This stuff really is amazing! It’s a spray that feels sort of oily on your skin when you apply it. It starts working immediately, providing a cooling sensation pretty much on contact. Once it soaks in, it softens and conditions the skin so that there is no after-shaving discomfort. Since I’ve started using this stuff, shaving is a breeze – I just spray it on right after shaving, and also once for the next couple of days before I put my cage back on… it also works great as a device lubricant! This really is wonderful stuff. It has made my shaving experience so much better, and I’d definitely recommend it to anyone with post-shave comfort issues.