Recently, cagedmonkey and I ended up with some extremely rare alone time and we got in some playtime. We’ve needed this time together for awhile since we moved and it just happened to work out that we got it. We both wanted to take a few minutes to explain why this time is important to us as a kinky couple as well as for each of us emotionally. It actually might help others understand why the like to do some of the things they like to do sexually. A lot of times it comes down to healing from our past. Please understand we are not professionals, we have never claimed to be, we simply have worked hard on ourselves and our relationship over the years and have learned a lot. We love to share our thoughts and views on things in hopes that it might help someone out on their journey!
In therapy there is something called “Act it Out” exercises. We have never actively done this kind of therapy but we have read about it in the past couple years and discussed it’s benefits with our therapist. Cagedmonkey and I have realized how helpful this kind of therapy can be for people who have had childhood trauma and/or abuse in whatever form. There are so many ways a kid can be screwed up by things, whether it’s physical or emotional. Most of the time, abuse survivors will hold back, hide, fear expressing their feelings or being themselves and sometimes even end up losing relationships in their lives that are important because they don’t know how to show who they really are. There are therapists out there who incorporate acting exercises into therapy sessions to help abuse survivors to come out from behind the curtain and face their fears and their feelings. That’s the simple version of it because I don’t want to turn this post into a REALLY long post on psychology. As always, if you want to know more about “Act it Out” exercises please do some googling! 🙂
I’m sure you can imagine how the whole “Act it Out” thing comes in handy in a kinky relationship. It addresses all those sexual feelings we may feel embarrassed by or afraid to admit, even to ourselves. Having a safe partner to act things out with is crucial. Whether you have a trusted sex therapist to talk to about these things or just awesome communication with your partner – either way gives you the release you may need, to work through some of the bottled up feelings and fears you have hidden away inside.
He Said: Some people might think it’s kind of crazy, how ML and I use our “mental issues” and our traumatizing pasts as part of our sex lives. I wouldn’t suggest just anyone trying it; ML and I wouldn’t go this deep without having really strong communication between us, otherwise the potential for hurting each other would be too great.
My Lady can explain to you how I fit her needs better than I can, but I’ll just say that I take great pleasure in being what she needs. As for my needs being filled, ML represents a way for me to make up for past mistakes.
To give enough background for this without getting too deep or wordy, I’ll start by saying that I spent a good part of my childhood getting away with things. I was a “mama’s boy” and the youngest in my family, which basically meant I was able to do whatever I wanted without worrying about the consequences. It’s a good thing I wasn’t too much out of control, otherwise I could have ended up in some real bad situations.
Anyway, the kink that ML and I share gives me a chance to make up for the discipline I missed. She is the firm, demanding, “mother-like” figure I needed as a child, only now she uses her control in a sexual manner.
It sounds totally fucked up… and maybe it is. Maybe it’s crazy for ML to take her anger against men out on me, or for me to look to her to make me pay for mistakes I made years ago. But we both know that it is a safe way for us to work through our issues and heal old wounds and have some damn good sex at the same time. The mental/emotional connection that we have during it makes everything so intense and amazing.
She Said: I’ll take a minute to get a little personal with you all to help you understand why this Domme/sub relationship we have and the things we do are so incredibly helpful for me. When I was a kid I was always put down, told I was not good enough and that I would never have anything good because I didn’t act a certain way or look a certain way. On top of that I was sexually abused as a young child so I’m sure you can imagine the demons I have hiding inside of me. I have found during this journey with my wonderful, amazing husband that I need the man that he is. I need a man who is a MAN, who can show me how he loves me for who I am and how I am and how I look. I also need a man who is willing to submit to me and let me control, at times, even the little things. I was made to feel so worthless and pointless as a kid and teenager, not to mention completely helpless by an older man. Now I get to face the fear that those things are really true about me and I get to use the kink that I enjoy to help me dig through the baggage I carry from childhood.
When I am dominating my hubby and controlling him I feel like I am being listened to. When I tell him (politely yet demanding) to do something and he says “Yes, ma’am,” I feel important and worthwhile. I feel like I have something to give, like what I say and do means something. When I control him, even the little things, it makes me feel more powerful than that little girl who sat there being told she would never amount to anything because she wasn’t pretty enough or thin enough. I feel more powerful than the child who was beaten because she “couldn’t do anything right,” because she “didn’t clean that right,” and would never get a husband because she’s “too fat.” Yes, seriously I was told those things and so many other horrible things you may wonder why in the fuck I even still talk to my mother. After the welts she left on my back from not doing things just the way she wanted them done.
This is sexual side of things makes me feel even more powerful. After feeling so completely helpless as a child by this older man in my life, you can only imagine the feelings I have and the emotions inside that come from dominating a man sexually. How it feels to force HIM to do things he maybe doesn’t want to do, to force HIM to take what I give him and make HIM feel completely helpless because of me. I get off so very much on feeling that power, of making him take things from me and causing that reaction in him. Those moans, those whimpers and the begging and pleading with me, the one who is controlling his pain or his pleasure. It’s ME who’s got this big strong man where I want him forcing him to endure whatever I want because in that moment, I’m the stronger one. I’m the more powerful one. Perhaps not physically stronger but mentally and emotionally, I’m the one with all the power. I say what happens and when it stops. It fuels me and gives me back what was ripped from away from me as a child. My identity, my life, taken away when I was so small. In those few moments when I’m grabbing my husbands throat and making him do what I want, or making him feel what I want him to feel, it gives me back the power of myself.
I hope by both of us writing this out for you guys helps you get to know us a little bit better and helps you when you worry about some of the things you may like sexually. It’s ok to like them and it’s perfectly fine to Act it Out with someone safe!